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The Stylish Blogger Awards

Hollywood-grade Klieg lights threw their carbon arcs into the sky … y’know, in my imagination.

When first I heard I’d won a Stylish Blogger Award, I thought: about fuckin’ time! No, wait … you didn’t hear that. That was my ego, a slippery little gremlin who (in 1998 on a sweltering night in late July–with the candle stick in the conservatory) murdered my shoulder-Angel & -Devil. My ego now squats by my right ear, combing his prissy little goatee, murmuring honeyed, sycophantic commentary and uttering the most lascivious–OW! I call him Cedric. *swats at the right side of her head* Cedric nibbles my earlobes, and bites when I sass him.

                               

                        <My ego, “Cedric”, AKA Mephistopheles>

I was nominated for this lovely award by an equally lovely Canadian writer, Jack Flacco, to whom I am very thankful.


The rules associated with accepting the Stylish Blogger Award (just backspaced over Booger Award, which is something else entirely) are simple: sacrifice a goat to Belphegor, Great Demon Lord of Vanity and Sloth, and then–no? Oh. “Cedric” informs me this is the Old Way; in thanks for his swaying the judges, I can just offer up some 150 yr old whiskey, half a dozen chicken livers and a transient. Good news, cuz goats are expensive these days, and hard to slip past the neighbours. Waaaaait a minute …. *tries to give her shoulder passenger the hairy eyeball*

The Rules are actually as follows:

1. Thank and link to the blogger who nominated you.

2. Share 7 random facts about yourself.

3. Pass the award onto 5 new-found blogging buddies.

4. Contact the winners and congratulate them.

So, here are 7 things you never needed to know about AJ Aalto and will wish you hadn’t learned (wondering now if Mr. Flacco didn’t just nominate yours truly so he could dig up some dirt. But that may be “Cedric” talking again.)

1. I may write murder mysteries and horror novels, kinky paranormal thrillers full of detailed forensic goop (clinical term, verrrrrry scientific) and slice-n-dice monstery goodness … but I am, in person, about as deadly as an empty pillowcase. No, for realzies!

2. While I enjoy snuggin’ into dark, enclosed places (the opposite of claustrophobia … claustrophilia?) and have been known to sleep in a closet or under my bed, I do not (as of yet) own a coffin. I know, right? What’s up with that?  

<AJ’s future bed, minus the lady with the hammer and nails>

3. I got trapped in a Zellers department store once by clowns. And if that’s not the perfect synopsis for a horror story, I don’t know what is. See, as I approached the store, I hadn’t noticed 5 clowns in full make-up collecting for charity. When I glanced up and saw them,  my terrified brain kersploded into a mushy grey soup (a thick stew, more of a cassoulet cérébral) without telling my legs to stop pumping. So I continued past them into Zellers, promptly forgetting a) why I was there in the first place and b)how to do that thing, y’know, where you suck air into your lungs to sustain life? I wandered those aisles, lightheaded, my frantic heart clobbering my ribs, for a solid hour … before realizing the store had another exit. I’m cool like that.

4. My two favourite sounds are thunder http://bit.ly/m9TdmM  and a male lion’s territorial roar http://bit.ly/ljNnWS.   Guess my idea of heaven is the cat cages at the zoo during a storm. The sound I think is pretty much the worst ever in nature? This red fox call in the dark http://bit.ly/jrTD47 

5. When the sun goes down, I live by candle light. Candles in the kitchen, on the bathroom sink, in my bedroom. If the power went out, I might not notice … unless of course I was watching Firefly reruns. Then I’d be all “Mal, what the frak?” I’m a gal who needs her Fillion-Fix.

6. Every day I spoil myself terribly–(who can pamper you better than you, I ask?) I spend every cent, devour every passion, heed every urge, attend every temptation. I rarely deny myself anything, and aim to wallow in pleasure. (What’s that chortling–Cedric, hush, I can’t hear myself think with your sulphuric stink-breath wafting in my face) I am a dyed-in-the-wool hedonist, and 110% unapologetic about it. Want a Cheesecake-Ice-Cream-With-Skor-Bits cone at Marble Slab? Then why the fuck would you not have one?? You want it. That means: GET IT. GET IT NOW. GO NOW. No one’s gonna get it for you. Vault past the old lady, give the punk in the white leather jacket a flying-elbow to his pock-marked forehead, put the guy at the front of the line in a headlock, and scream at the startled ice cream scooper GIVE ME THE LARGE, MOTHERFUCKERRRR. (side note: it’s a medical mystery that I don’t weigh 897 pounds. Also: I should probably not be allowed out in public without a chaperone)

7. I have a degree in biology (no guff!) and enjoy manipulating science to explain how magic, monsters, demons, ghosties, zombies,  and other things that go boo-snarl-gnash could plausibly exist. Then I toss that science directly in the face of my main character, Marnie Baranuik, a “preternatural-biologist-slash-psychic-detective”. My favourite writing pastimes include: naming carrion insects, inventing scourge plagues, unnatural world building, and word-weaving a perfectly rotten description.

And at last, the best part:

 5 Nominations for Great Blog Reads and winners of the Stylish Blogger Award are as follows (Cedric, please! Pretty sure eardrums are not made for drum rolls *sigh*):

1. Al Boudraeu: supportive friend, brilliant man and author of the intensely paced thriller In Memory of Greed. Check his blog here:  http://alboudreau.wordpress.com/

2. Steve Umstead: whose novel Gabriel’s Redemption made me wish I could write sci-fi.  http://steveumstead.com/ If I ever do manage the genre, you’ll know “Mayor Steve” was the inspiration.

3. Everett Powers: tireless indie champion, and author of the Grant Starr thrillers, beginning with The Mighty T  http://everettpowers.blogspot.com/

4. Michael R. Hicks: an inordinately talented writer, author of the bestselling In Her Name series  http://authormichaelhicks.com/

5. Wendy Sparrow: whose light-hearted, goofy wit makes me LOL daily.  She’s a rare spirit, give her a look-see! http://ladybugsroar.blogspot.com/

 

 

(Author’s note: AJ Aalto is just plain silly. Anyone visiting this blog for serious matters is lost on Flapdoodle Trail, a dangerous downhill donkey path leading to the vast Valley of Ineptitude. Go back while you can and consider yourself warned.)

 

 

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2 Responses to The Stylish Blogger Awards

  1. Heather says:

    In Memory of Greed is awesome!

    When I first saw this I thought it said “Stylish BOOGER Award” LMAO. Then I thought it was code for something else but well I couldn’t come up with anything that made any sense. Big Shock! So then I thought about it again and thought maybe it was some kind of award for your creepy ass ghoulish monsters. But I guess I was wrong all the way around. Silly me!!

    Now I will say congratulations on the Stylish BLOGGER Award instead. But now that the public knows about your insane fear of clowns do you not fear that you will get them sent to you secretly? Like email pop up clowns? Cards in the mail with a clown that jumps out and yells “SURPRISE BITCH”. (That one I am creating myself and will be taking orders shortly) Or how about that insane person who would be daring enough to leave on on your windshield? OOOOOOO think about that…..gets in the car at 9am after being up since 4 and looks up to see the face of a clown staring back at her!! LOL *insert evil laugh.

    As for you getting stuck in Zellers. I didn’t know it was THAT easy to trap you. Dammit I could have had a clown stand outside the plane in the Dominican and we could have been trapped there forever.

    All in all, I love you though. Keep writing 🙂

  2. Jack says:

    Absolutely brilliant writing! I laughed like a hysterical baboon! And love, love, LOVE Firefly! Looking forward to reading more from you!

    Oh, and it was a complete ploy on my part to dig up some dirt on ya! How did you guess?

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