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Fork in the Road

2015 was a bumpy road for me, my lovelies. Between my surgery, and stumbling blocks post-recovery with food issues, and an osteoarthritis diagnosis (knees, ankles, and knuckles, so far) and trying my best to support my daughter through her ongoing mental health struggles, I made some bad choices. There were forks in the road, and I took the path that seemed most comfortable. When the forks were on the table, you better believe I stuck them in the potatoes. I tried to baby myself. I looked for comfort in food, painkillers, and alcohol. I abused one of those things, and that thing was food.

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2016 comes with a renewed desire to return to health. I’ve been a long-time yoga addict, but had let that slide. I want it back. I used to jog (that, thanks to the arthritis, might not come back any time soon, if ever.).  I’ve enjoyed healthy eating in the past, but I said “fuck it” and picked cake over fruit, and then had another piece, and another. But I enjoy vegetables, and it won’t kill me to eat properly, I know that. Food is an acceptable drug most of the time. Very few people will sit you down and say “Honey, I’m worried about you” and take the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos off your lap. In fact, the most well-meaning friends will bring you junk food when you’re blue, even when you say you feel sluggish and pudgy.

The funny thing is, I know how to eat well. The logic says “eat when you’re hungry and make good choices.” I’m so frustrated that I don’t just …do that. “I deserve a treat, don’t I?” becomes my daily lament.

What I deserve more, though, is to feel good in my skin. I’m not just talking about losing weight, though for me, that’s a big part of it. I need to get 20-25 pounds off in order to take the pressure off my knees and ankles. That will help with the pain. If my knees feel better, I may be able to distance-walk/jog again. I’ll certainly be able to do yoga more easily.

So! Yoga. Bellydancing. (Fun!) Weight loss. Maybe back to jogging (if possible, depending on what the docs recommend). And of course, returning to my 4 AM writing habit so that I can feel good about myself; I am only happy when I feel I’m accomplishing something, when I’m making progress, when I can see that word count build and build, and I’m happy with what I read back.

Was 2015 rough for you? I know most people don’t prefer to think of goals for the new year as “resolutions,” but I will call them that today, because I am making myself a promise. I vow to put my health back on the list of things that are important. If not now, when? I’m too young to feel this old, and I’m too old to waste time with shitty habits that only make my body feel worse. 2016, I make my health important again. What are your 2016 goals?

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