Aries: Stubborn as usual, you face the coming conflicts in your life with the hard-headed certainty that you are right. This time, you ARE right. Someone IS out to get you. Probably, it’s not me. Come out swinging, Aries.

Taurus: You’re not happy unless you’re whining about something, and do you have a lot to complain about lately. You must be fucking thrilled. We’re not. We’re the ones who have to tune out your fat, yammering yap.

Gemini: You’re on top of the world, and why not? Your recent foray into emotional flexibility has left you capable of juggling all sorts of balls. I’m not calling you a slut, I’m just sayin’…yeah. Rock on, Ball-juggler. You get yours.

Cancer: Inside that hard shell, your squishy, wishy-washy moods wax and wane so often that none of your closest friends know what to expect from you …which is fine, because if they really knew what was goin’ on inside the shell, you’d have no friends left. Lunatic.

Leo: Yes, it’s still ALL ABOUT YOU. Yes, YOU’RE FABULOUS.  Now that we’ve said it, could you shut up about yourself for a moment? No? Didn’t think so. I know, I know, you’re not arrogant  you’re just better than everyone else. *smirk*

Virgo: You are not a centaur. No, you’re not. No, you’re–take your meds, sweety.

Libra:  Your ability to make everyone’s problems seem to disappear is less about your being a good nurturer, and more about you poo-pooing some serious issues to avoid your own personal discomfort. Yeah, I’m lookin’ at you, TOM.

Scorpio: That thing you’re doing with the Saran Wrap is unholy and unnatural. For the love of cheese, please stop it.

Sagittarius: *blink* You have no horoscope. This might mean every Sagittarius on the planet is about to die simultaneously. Either that, or I need another cup of coffee before I read the stars again, and maybe you should get me one.

Capricorn: Nose out of joint? How is that a change? Aren’t you tired of being so easily injured? Talk to your Cancer buddy. He’ll teach you how to build some fairly decent walls. 

Aquarius: You’re considering WHAT?? ARE YOU NUTS? You can’t do THAT!! Oh wait…I read the stars wrong. I think. Well, go ahead…I mean, if the worst happens, it’ll happen to you, not me. 

Pisces: Heed your initial instinct: spanking her and calling her your bad girl WILL go over quite nicely and reap you the raucous rewards you seek. Don’t forget: sometimes bite marks are hard to hide.

(Editor’s disclaimer: AJ Aalto is not an astrologist, nor does she have any experience with the stars. She does, on the other hand, enjoy people’s flaws and takes great delight in making fun of them. Also, she likes to predict nonsense and invent future tomfoolery based on absolutely nothing.  Also-also, AJ Aalto knows no one named Tom. *smirk*)