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Top 5 Super For-Realsies Reasons I Cannot Leave The House Today

#5. I’m pretty sure–nope, scratch that, I’m positive–that the apocalypse has begun. I haven’t heard what form the apocalypse has taken (meteors, aliens, Satan, zombies, pandemic flu, robots, clowns, Satanic flu-ridden robot zombie clowns from outer space) but the fact remains that if I go outside, there’s a real possibility that I’ll be swarmed by Something. Also: it’s possible The Something will be sneezing. Today, I just can’t take that chance.

<according to Marvel, the apocalypse will involve heavily armoured men, and fireproof women in tiny scraps of clothing.>

4. The sun. It burns! It burns! It–what? *squints, blinks rapidly* Oh, hey, look. I’m not so much on fire as I am, uh, un-burning. But I’m out of sunblock, and even though it’s winter now, you know …UV rays and such … still there! Still beaming down on me. I’m a pasty-faced Nordic girl, I’ve got almost no ability to withstand the sun’s abuse. I better stay in.

<Wouldja get a load of that? That’s called “filament eruption”. “Eruption” is never good–*rethinks* okay, only ever good in one situation>

#3. My dog told me not to. I’m sorry, did you hear my dog say something different? Is my dog giving you advice to the contrary? If my dog is telling you to go outside, maybe you ought to be concerned that you’re accepting guidance from someone else’s pet and not from your own, hunh? Yeah, something to think about, there.

2. My wedding vows. ¬†Now, I can’t remember the whole ceremony, but there is a slim possibility I might’ve made those vows with a straight face (though I distinctly remember crossing my fingers under my bouquet). I think there may have been something tricksy in there about, I dunno, not treating mankind like an all-nude, all-you-can-eat buffet? Well, hey, if I go outside, there’s NO WAY I can be certain I’m not gonna hump somethin’: men, women, particularly attractive lawn¬†furniture… I mean, how am I supposed to foretell whether or not I’ll be sexed-up at any given moment? Am I PSYCHIC? Am I wearing magic Sex-Be-Gone pants? Are far as I know, those aren’t even a thing, and if they are, they’re probably not flattering at all.

<What bullshittery is Steven Tyler rockin’? I do believe it’s Sex-Be-Gone pants!>

But the top of the Top 5 list, the most important, very best reason as to why I simply cannot go outside today is:

#1. The caffeine is on the INSIDE. Until I install an out-of-doors Caffeine Machine (if that isn’t already a brand of tea/coffee/espresso brewer, it should be), my beloved beverage is inside, a grand total of *pauses typing, places laptop on the coffee table, paces to kettle, counting* nine (9) steps away from me. “But, AJ,” you say, perhaps lamenting my blockheadedness, “you can carry said beverages out into the winter wonderland with you.” …To that, I say poo. Yes, that’ s my grand argument: poo. Because I never promised to be right, logical, or mature. Life’s too short to drink cold tea. You can quote me on that, loves.

(editor’s note: Today, AJ Aalto is super-lazy, which is like regular-lazy only she’s wearing a cape made from a terrycloth towel and a clothespin.)

 

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