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Talking to Bots

I admit it: I’m a hermit. I prefer being alone with my characters to being with people, and being in a crowd–you know, out there, in public, ACK!–makes me feel downright squinky. TYPING to people I can do … TALKING to people, not so much. The last weekend in October (2 book signings, radio interview, TV appearance, launch party) was exciting, rewarding, and made the Big Pharma about $400 richer, judging by this mysteriously empty pill bottle on my desk. Thank you to all those who came out to see me, and support me. I hope I didn’t seem too incredibly uncomfortable. I was, but I hope I faked calm well enough to make you guys comfortable at least.

Today, I’ll be responding to not only the real emails I’ve received from readers, but also the many spam bots whose comments I usually trash (the rumours are true: I DO discriminate against the biologically-challenged) and hopefully generate thousands and thousands of bot radar blips, thus securing that all-important “friend” status with the Wired-Living prior to the Robot Uprising.

Sam writes: “I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed your book, especially the zebra part. It was really exciting and I think you’re sick. Rock on.”

AJ: “Dear Sam … one of two things has happened here. Either you read someone else’s book, or you’ve psychically divined that book two in this series does feature a Fan Furry zebra. I’m almost 100% sure there are no zebras in Touched. If there are, I must have been so toasted when I wrote it, cuz it really doesn’t fit. I’m curious-bordering-on-terrified to read this zebra scene that was both sick and exciting, though.”

<But not in that way …>

Constipation Remedies writes: “We are a group of volunteers and opening a new scheme in our community. Your web site provided us with valuable info to work on. You have done a formidable job and our entire community will be thankful to you.”

AJ: A new “scheme”? Should I be worried, Constipation Remedies? Should I inform my neighbourhood watch or the local cop shop? Are you plotting the Runnypoopocalypse? OMG!! Will this “scheme” involve Ex-Lax in the drinking water? That’s it! I’m stocking up on butt plugs and Depends.

Reverse Phone Call Lookup writes: “This is the correct journal for anyone who wants to move out out this theme. You attending so such its near tiring to represent with you (not that I would want…HaHa). You definitely put a new twirl on a content thats been codified near for period. Nice personalty, only enthusiastic!”

AJ: Firstly, thanks. I think my personality is nice, too. I’m glad you like my new twirl (been working on it for ages) and you’re absolutely right: this *IS* the correct journal. For anyone. Let’s stop there.

ps. Can you look someone up for me? *grin*

Anna writes: “I loved your book so much and is Harry real? Tell me he’s real or I will just die he has to be real because he is amazing and hot.”

AJ: “Sweety, Harry’s not hot, he’s cold, cuz he’s a dead guy. But I promise you that he’s absolutely real, and–wait! He’s telling me to tell you something. What’s that, Harry? You want Anna to send you presents? Fake BOOBS? Anna, Harry wants you to send him money for ME to get breasticular implantations (uberscientific). Don’t ask him why: he does not like his wishes to be questioned. I’ll email you my address and you can make the check out to AJ Aalto. Harry thanks you!”

 (Editor’s note: When Darth Vader says sign, you sign. That is all.)

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7 Responses to Talking to Bots

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  3. Andrew Pelt says:

    I gave you a link back on one of my pr5 pages, I hope this is ok.

  4. Awesome post! I will keep an on eye on your blog.

  5. Bernice says:

    Nice to read your blog

  6. emprunterons says:

    Hmm it appears like your website ate my first comment (it was super long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up what I had written and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog. I as well am an aspiring blog writer but I’m still new to the whole thing. Do you have any helpful hints for inexperienced blog writers? I’d definitely appreciate it.

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