I thought I’d share my modified recipe for this darkly delicious cocktail prior to cottage season, now that I’ve done some booze fiddling. Try this out at home, perfect for stormy evenings on the covered porch, or reading in bed. Enjoy!

Black Orchid Martini

1 oz. blue curacao

1 oz. Kraken rum

1 oz. lemon-lime soda

1 oz grenadine and a splash of cranberry juice

This week, we have a question for the crew from Rafe B., known to his friends as He Who Wields the Red Pen, known to the crew as That Guy Who Tweaks My Words, known to the author as Bossyboots McMeaniepants (which, despite some doofus’s opinion, is in fact an awesome nickname–SO THERE, JUSTIN. No, YOU’RE still mad about it.).

Rafe B. asks: Lord Droopypants, how do you go about choosing your companions? Were they all foul-mouthed harlots like Marnie?

Marnie: Lord Droopypants. *pokes Harry* That’s you, pal.

Lord Guy Harrick Dreppenstedt: Since this ill-conceived journal was billed as an advice column, one can only assume you wish to consider my methods of companion choice in order to more successfully model the behaviour of my current DaySitter and win my favour. Perhaps you have dreams of replacing her; if this is the case, you should set aside the dumbbells and derision and cultivate a far more elegant and gracious manner.

Marnie: Ohhhhh, snap. Rafe’s gonna edit out some of your gobbledegook for that, Harry. Wait–did you just imply I’m elegant and gracious?

Lord Guy Harrick Dreppenstedt: Do try not to be ridiculous, Dearheart. To further answer your question, my brawny friend, when it was time to consider a replacement for my beloved Violet, she asked me to consider someone from her family, and members of both the Santonen and Baranuik family were placed on the short list. One member stood out from the others based chiefly upon her ability to surprise me into laughter, though she did also present an opportunity to work my magic on an improvement project.

Marnie: From “elegant and gracious” to “improvement project” in the space of a minute. So proud.

Lord Guy Harrick Dreppenstedt: As for my future DaySitters, I cannot even fathom a replacement, for despite her many glaring faults–

Marnie: Must you be a twatwaffle?

Lord Guy Harrick Dreppenstedt: *cough* *eyebrow* She is still my only One, the gas in my lantern, the feathers in my pillow, the fly in my vichyssoise, the mercury in my felt hat–

Marnie: Mercury drove hatters mad.

Lord Guy Harrick Dreppenstedt: Quite so, my pet. *smirk* Monsieur McMeaniepants, I do hope today’s issue has been concluded to your satisfaction.

Tune in next week for more bad advice from Marnie and the crew! In the meantime, I’ll just wait here guarding the wine, shall I?