A.J. Aalto Supervillain on a Leash

Dialogues That Reveal Relationships

November 19

I am by no means an expert on writing; I wouldn’t dare claim to be anything above novice at this point in my journey. This being the case, I hesitate to give advice on the craft of writing. I mean, who am I? I’m just some chick hanging out in her Happy Bunny PJs at noon on a Saturday eating boiled oat bran (OK, it’s a chocolate chip scone, but don’t tell my diet) and editing her second manuscript–the first of which is still, post-print, littered with errors in both grammar and judgement. Frankly, I’m contemplating tossing this laptop in the trash and doing what non-writers do all day. Whatever that is. 

<What I assume non-writers do all day behind my back>

I will give a bit of advice today, because if it helps even one beginner, then yippee. Keep in mind, taking writerly advice from me might be as wise as making financial decisions based on a consultation with that hobo outside the bank, but here goes.

I think dialogue between two characters should strive to highlight not only the action around them, but their personal reactions to one another, the ebb and flow of their relationship. Is it new and awkward, or old and comfortable? Are they just learning about one another, or well aware of the undercurrents? Tension? Reliability? Trust? Passion? Amusement? How to show these things without telling? Using this passage from “Death Rejoices”:

I found my Cold Company already at the machine, whisking me some foam and pulling his cinnamon duster from the overhead cabinet. You could set your watch by Harry’s butler-like service; he felt my need and minutes later there was espresso brewing. Hard to find fault with that.

I tried my flex and finger gun routine on him. Harry cocked his head, the piercings in his eyebrow twitching. “Did you have a lovely lesson?”

“Grab my wrist, Harry.”

“Certainly not, you stink of filth.”

“Don’t be a priss.” I shoved my arm in his face. “Grab me and see what happens.”

He watched me for a beat, then obliged; his cool hand landed on my wrist with unearthly strength, clamping down, a python’s unhurried squeeze. After a brief hollering protest, I twisted like Hood showed me. Nothing happened. My hand started turning purple. I twisted outward again, grunting. Harry studied me impassively.

“I’m supposed to be able to get out,” I told him.

“I see. Sheriff Hood has much work to do.”

“If you weren’t an immortal, I’d have freed my hand by now and punched you right in the schnozzle.”

“Assuredly, you would have done,” he allowed graciously and released me. 

What sorts of clues does this conversation offer up about Marnie and Harry’s relationship? (1) The way she approaches him shows she’s clearly not afraid of him. She could have asked, “would it be ok if I tried something with you?” if she were uncertain, but instead she shoves her arm at him and insists. (2) She seeks his approval. She could have told him she learned a new trick and left it at that, but she feels the need to demonstrate. She’s hoping to impress him, to get that pat on the head. And (3) though Harry remains unmoved by her attempts, he humours her. He makes it clear he’d prefer not to (“certainly not, you stink of filth”) but acquiesces–whether to please her or to shut her up, I’ll let you decide. It’s a comfortable relationship, though, in which he is the cool, resigned, dominant figure, and she is the ridiculous little hot-head.

I love fleshing out characters and relationships between them. Probably, I spend too much time doing this when I should be telling the story. Someday a critic will tell me so, and hopefully I’ll have a more mature retort than “Oh YA, doodyhead? Well, you smell like old Band Aids.” (word for word, without a doubt, exactly what will come out of my mouth.)

A good exercise for young writers (and by that, I mean people of any age who are beginning to write, or hoping to learn more about their craft) is to read snippits of dialogue from your favourite books and deconstruct them. What about that conversation revealed the relationship? How did that author show you so much without telling you directly? How did the author point you to clues by using banter, mood, rapport? How can you use the same techniques to reveal important undercurrents, highlight a subplot, make the characters seem richer, more complex, more human?

An author should never have to say “she was afraid of him.” Show this, or any other development, by the manner in which they approach one another, the word choices they make–get down to the grit, hard words vs. soft, active vs. passive, pick and choose until it feels best– and what they decide to say or not; sometimes the things left unsaid reveal more about their personality, degree of acquaintance, comfort level or the brewing strength of the subplot than what they do say. This should be a well choreographed dance. Hear the conversation in your head before you place it on paperspace, then pluck the overly obvious bits and trust the reader; if you’ve done it right, the reader will be able to read between the lines.

Now, there’s a pretty good chance I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about.

<I’m the girl they make signs like this for>

Writing is playtime and I’m under the desk eating paste (don’t tell my diet). If any of the above helps, great! Let me know. I’ll be over here mowing through a sleeve of Fig Newtons (don’t tell my diet) and trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with the middle of Book 2.

(editor’s note: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING? Do not take advice from this woman! Do you always trust chicks who pop out from behind trees?? Is that what you do, you wander around with questions waiting for some weirdo to pop out from behind a tree? What the crap is wrong with you? Look at that maniacal grin! Don’t you think she’s up to something? This woman delights in leading people astray. She will do so on purpose, just so she can sit back and giggle about it. She’s like an evil fai–no, wait, what are those evil little dudes in Willow? Brownies? Brownies! She’s a brownie!–shit, I could really go for a brownie right now. What time is it? I’ve got the munch–wait, what was I saying? Oh right. Good Lord, people, have some sense! Take writing advice from AJ Aalto and you might as well just flush your career down the toilet right now.)

Taking It To The Grave 2 (Interview With A Thrill Master)

May 30

No, no–don’t get up … a woman getting tossed in a cell with you is hardly the same as her joining you at the dinner table. Jesus, you can barely stand. Sit back down before you fall. *swipes under her bloody nose with forefinger* No sense cracking your fool head open before they bring your last meal, Boudreau. Yeah … I know who you are. You understand why you’re not chained up, right? *gestures at the iron rings bolted to the wall* Why they left you loose? And why they threw me in here? They know you, friend. They think you’re one of those white knight types. Hope they’re wrong, for your sake. See, they figure if they knocked me around a bit, you’d get riled-up, and when they came back, you’d put yourself in front of me like some macho dickhead. They’re counting on it. Don’t let them fool you, Boudreau—ain’t nothing you can do for me. Standing between me and them is only going to cost you a few teeth.

Yeah, you’re right: I was one of them. Funny, most people don’t peg me for an assassin. But then, you’re a writer: guess you see things most people don’t. I’ve been slated for removal. *defeated chuckle*  It was only a matter of time. Your left arm looks like it hurts, lemme give you something for it. Just a pain killer. No? Suit yourself.  *dry-swallows four pills* More for me. Gonna wish you had a few of these in an hour or so.

What were you thinking? I mean, you’re no dummy, you must have known you’d piss ’em off with your thinly-veiled antagonists. And between you and me, they do not appreciate the word “frankenseeds”. No sense of humour about it. That might have been the last nail in your coffin. How’d you know about the seed bank plan? Lucky guess? Doesn’t matter, now. They’re gonna bury you, Boudreau, I watched them dig the hole. You’re a goner whether you answer their questions or not, so if I were you, I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction. Better yet, give me the answers. I know what they’re dying to ask you.

A heads up? When it happens, they’ll take me away first, for two reasons: first, they hope you’ll get in their way, give ‘em an excuse to do more damage to that arm. Second, you get to hear me scream. They think this’ll make you more talkative, when they get around to coming for you. *turns her head* Hear that? The low hum. They’re warming up the chair. Guess they’re going all out for me. I should be flattered. Won’t do them any good. They broke with me, they get nothing. *raises her voice* HEAR THAT, PERCY? YOU GET NOTHING! Ten years I gave him, and this is how it ends? Nothing more than a primer for an author take-down? Fuck Percy and fuck Slade too, sideways and ass backwards. If there is a hell, they’ll have to face me there someday.

Hey, Boudreau? We’ve got a little time left. Talk to me a bit? I keep thinking about Slade’s AK47. Do you know that thing can fire 700 rounds a minute? Only holds 30 but still–he could turn my guts to a gooey paste in under 4 seconds. Not that I’ll get off that easy. *choked-back sob* Nah, I’m OK. Superfine like sugar. No worries. Tell me about this book of yours that’s got the whole organization pissed off. And then … well, would you promise me something? Before they put the bag on your head, tell the bastards:

                      AJ took your secrets to the grave...

AJ: I understand you used to sing in a band. How does your love of music influence your writing, do you think?
 
AB: In my opinion, performing in a band and crafting a good story are both activities designed to entertain the general populace. If one has talent for any given vocation, I feel you owe it to yourself to give it a go. You know…try it on for size, and see how it looks and feels. Although I had wanted to perform as a singer for many years, it was never meant to be more than a hobby. Writing has proven just the opposite; I never aspired to become a writer. However, once I began, I realized how much passion I had for it, and will certainly pursue it as a second career.
 
 
AJ: Your protagonist is an ex-navy seal. Have you yourself served in the military? How did Mocado present himself to you, during character creation?
 
AB: Murhkin Mocado is the main character in the story, and I created him even before having a loose concept of what “In Memory of Greed” would be about. My desire was to write a character who was very tough physically, but vulnerable, and a bit naive emotionally, due to childhood experiences. Navy SEALs must undergo a series of training programs so rigorous that a large number wash out well before graduation. I thought it would be an interesting, and powerful paradox, to create an incredibly rugged character from a physical standpoint, yet one who carrys heavy emotional baggage. I believe this dichotomy helps cement a bond between Mocado and the reader. If I’ve done my job, people will respect this character for his achievements, and compassionately root him on, as the reader is privy to where his difficulties have stemmed from. I have never served in the military. Instead, I attended college and earned a professional degree in architecture. However, I’ve always had the utmost respect for those who serve our country, and I’m proud to have my MC represent the men and women who protect this nation.

AJ: Were there many scenes or ideas you had for this group of characters that didn’t make it into this story?

AB: I actually rewrote a major percentage of “In Memory of Greed” twice, the third version being the one I published. I started writing the book without having developed an outline first. The storyline wandered far afield from where I really wanted it to go. As a result, many scenes were culled, and replaced with writing that worked. I learned the hard way—writing without an outline is not a method that works for me.
 
AJ: Do these characters still speak to you, with intentions of returning for more adventures? Is there one character who is speaking louder than the rest?
 
AB: The protagonist, Murhkin Mocado, and the secondary protagonist, Joelle Barstow are not quite ready to call it quits. Both will show up in my second novel, which is also a political mystery/thriller. This story will certainly keep Mocado and Barstow busy. My antagonists will likely bury both characters up to their eyeballs in treachery. 
 
AJ: I’m really glad to hear that. What was the biggest hurdle you’ve faced in bringing “In Memory Of Greed” to where it is today?
 
AB: As a first-time, indie-published author, the challenge lies in promoting the work without over-doing it. There’s a fine line between making people aware that you have a quality product to offer, and spamming them to death. I try to give of myself, in terms of helping fellow indie authors promote their work, instead of tooting my own horn, non-stop. I feel that this creates fellowship and camaraderie among writers. Not only that, but it gives me a fantastic reason to read new books. As I often hear it said in this profession: “A rising tide lifts all boats.” I’m happy, and proud, to contribute to this philosophy.
 
AJ: What worries you most: the bioethics (or the lack thereof) of modern agro-science, the murky relationship between big business and government policy-makers, or the sheer size and sway of some of these “king of the jungle” corporations?  
 
AB: All three topics are worrisome, for the simple reason that the revolving door policy between big business and government allows these firms to basically write their own rules then dictate who enforces them; which leads me to the question, who is watching the watchmen? Unfortunately, when those at the top are in bed with one another, the average man on the street ends up becoming a unsuspecting, human guinea pig.
 
AJ: You’ve mentioned before that you’ve got your second book outlined and ready to go. When you do sit down to write it, what will your work/writing schedule look like? Do you set aside time, or grab it when you can?
 
AB: When I am actively working on a WIP, I get up around 4:30 AM and write until about 9 AM. I then head out to work at my day job. Upon arriving home, I do the family thing for a while then try to get a couple more hours of writing in, before going to bed. I also try to take as much time off as possibe, in order to devote large blocks of time to writing.
  
AJ: Stuart Roth’s temper interests me–talk to me about him. From what part of your own psyche did you draw, to write that character’s dark, passionate outbursts, or did you have to look outside yourself to find him?
 
AB: Stuart Roth is an amalgamation of the bosses I had while in my twenties, before starting my own business. Most seemed to get off on their position, lording over employees with a heavy hand. I remember taking issue with how these men treated their staff, acting as if they were vastly better and smarter than the rest of us. When it came time to write “In Memory of Greed,” payback arrived in the form of crafting a character who was obviously his own worst enemy, losing the respect of all individuals with whom he had contact. I wanted to make him funny in a profoundly sad sort of way. I believe I’ve accomplished this with Roth.

 

AJ: I think it’s fair to say that Senator Mocado is a cold, distant man. Whereas Stuart Roth at least has passion, Senator Mocado is the one character in “In Memory Of Greed” to have zero warmth, which makes him a hard, disinterested father. How does this affect his son’s personality? Did you plan this consciously?
 
AB: It was quite intentional that I wrote Senator Mocado, Murhkin’s father, as a self-absorbed, emotionally unavailable character in the story. I believe it adds a layer of emotional complexity to Murhkin, as his past contributes greatly to the issues he’s forced to overcome on his journey. Many parents keep a tremendous amount of personal information safely hidden from their children, in order to insulate the parent/child relationship from unpleasant surprises. This is taken to extremes with Murhkin and the senator. In the end, Murhkin is forced to face certain realities that cause him pain, but also help to provide closure. By working through these revelations, he can ultimately live a more fulfilling life, his journey providing wisdom and strength.
 
AJ: You’re a well-travelled man. How did you choose California, Ireland, and Kenya from your extensive list of locales–why did these three places fit your vision of the story so well?
 
AB: Kenya, in all it’s exotic wonder, burst forth from my mind as a locale that I MUST write about. There is so much about Africa that captured my imagination. It was my first trip abroad; therefore, making it a locale that my characters travelled within my debut novel would not be denied. And Ireland was a perfect fit, as one of my main characters is Irish. Ireland is also quite breathtaking, allowing me to provide the reader with a travel experience they may, or may not have experienced on their own. California seemed right for the U.S. location, not only from a character development standpoint, but also in relation to its geography. Further, I have spent a fair amount of time there. As they say, write what you know. 
 
AJ: You’re not shy about your love of Hawaii–any interest in setting a future story there?
 
AB: Though a number of movies, television programs, and novels have been based in the Hawaiian islands, I feel there is enough diversity of culture, scenery, and history to provide a fresh, solid backdrop for a story. I’ve seen a few attempts get a bit cheesy, in terms of including cliche scenarios, so it’s a locale that requires a certain finesse to pull it off. I make a solemn promise to my readers: no hula contests will appear in any of my novels.
 
AJ: Corporate greed and government corruption feature heavily in this novel. They remind me of certain other massive corporations (which I’ll not mention, lest they aim their dreaded cudgel of death at my forehead) which are, at this point, not even attempting to pretend they’re not a den of super villains. Do you believe anyone can make a difference in the stand against such corporations?
 
AB: Change on this scale, and magnitude, must come about collectively. If a large enough chorus of voices echoes across the land, those who choose to do wrong may just find themselves under a white-hot spotlight. My intent is to be a conduit for getting the word out. I fully intend to be an integral part of the change I want to see happen. This type of grass-roots effort has worked well in the past, and it can work again.
 
AJ: There’s a scene that I’ll never forget in “In Memory of Greed” that takes place in a witch doctor’s shop. Without any major spoilers, take me through your research process for that, because this is a colourful and unexpected addition to the plot. How much of this scene is based in realism and how much is pure fiction?
 
AB: The shop is a real place, located exactly where I described it in the book. I actually purchased a number of tribal masks from the shop when I was in Nairobi. Although I’m relatively certain the real proprietor of the place was not a witch doctor’s son, the vibe I got from having all those tribal masks hanging there “looking” at me was otherworldly. Each was authentic, and hand-carved, belonging to various tribes from all across Africa. The feeling I got while standing inside the place left an lasting impression on me. Therefore, it just had to be the backdrop for a dramatic scene in my novel.
 
AJ: Yep, that’s friggin’ creepy LOL. Was it a conscious choice on your part to give all your characters, both good and bad, personal sensitivity and depth? I’m thinking now mostly of Patrick Keegan, who, as a well-rounded player with both an edge and a conscience, would actually be my choice for most interesting character. Did you set out to create characters with unexpected sensitivity, or was that a happy accident?
 
AB: No accident there. I believe that the most saintly individuals in the world have a dark side. Conversely, those who walk the earth with hearts chock full of evil still have a small area where positivity and light remain. My feeling is, the more a writer shows the complexities of each character’s personalities, the more invested it allows the reader to become. I want to make my readers feel as much as possible while immersed in my work. The best way I know to achieve that, is to provide them with characters who are colorful, complex, and flawed in some way; a figurative meat, and potatoes to sink their voracious teeth into. PS: I welcome vegetarians with opened arms too.
 
 
AJ: How often do future characters, not yet written, disrupt your work day with their chatter in your head? Do you push them aside or jot them down for later?
 
AB: I’ve heard many writers speak of this, but my day job usually requires a great deal of concentration, and situational awareness. I don’t generally allow my mind to drift from day job to writer mode. For me, sitting down to write, whether it’s research, character development, or editing, gets my full attention. Likewise with my day job. I enjoy the process of creating good characters far too much to have anything else enter this realm, simultaneously.
 
AJ: So you’re pretty focused. What 3 adjectives do you hope readers would use to describe your writing style thus far?
 
AB: Intense, fast-paced, and satisfying.
 
AJ: As a writer, what do you feel is your weak point, that which needs the most effort to overcome? How do you plan to improve this?
 
AB: As writers, we all have something new we can learn, on a daily basis. For me, if the rules about writing mechanics were to become more second nature, I feel my work would improve. The more we get right the first time around, the less editing our work requires, to become solid. I actually enjoy reading books about grammar, as they contain the tools we utilize to craft our stories. 
 
AJ: When you read, do you do so as a writer, with an eye to what writerly tricks other authors might be using to entertain you and draw you in?
 
AB: I certainly read differently now than I did before starting this journey as a writer. It’s difficult not to view other works with a critical eye, as that’s how we get the most from our own work. I’m delighted to say, there are few books I’ve read, from which I can’t take at least something away to help my own work. Some are things to emulate, some to avoid.
 
AJ: Do you find yourself mentally editing other people’s books without meaning to?
 
AB: Yes, I totally do this. Each individual has a slightly different way of saying something. What may look and sound perfectly normal to me, might come across as clunky, or conversely, genius to another. While there are some black and white rules to follow, we, as writers, have many options available to get our ideas across. Our own individual styles are what help draw fans to our work. Some of my favorite authors became such, for the simple reason that I can find no flaws with their prose.
 
AJ: Where do you do your best thinking, as a writer? Do you have a Thoughtful Spot, like Winnie the Pooh? Is there any magical place in your world where your words seem to come easiest?
 
AB: I don’t have any one spot that works better than others, but I do have a condition that must be met; relative silence. I can’t have TV, music, or conversations happening around me. Incessant noises, phones, and the like don’t allow my mind to become fully immersed at the task at hand. Give me a quiet spot, and I’m happy.
  
AJ: Talk to me about the #pubwrite crew on Twitter. That’s one fantastic bunch of people who adore you; have you received your Nicest Guy on Earth statue yet?
 
AB: I’ve never met a collective group of people that are better, smarter, or funnier than the wonderful friends I have made on Twitter, and particularly through #pubwrite. It’s very much like an online family for me. It’s my one stop where I can find information, camaraderie, laughter, and sharp wit. These people are the most pure source of joy I’ve found along my writing journey. Haha…no statue yet.
 
AJ: I have NO DOUBT it’s being bronzed as we speak. What is the very best gift someone could give you?
 
AB: I absolutely love when someone finishes reading “in Memory of Greed,” and their experience with my book parallels the particular goals I set for the work when writing it. Writing is my passion…to have someone take precious time out of their busy lives to give my work a shot is nearly surreal. It never gets old. I couldn’t be more appreciative of my readers and the lovely feedback they so graciously share.
 
 AJ: Was there a singular “click” moment in writing “In Memory Of Greed” when you could see it all coming together? 
 
AB: Only when the climax was fully developed, did I feel I had the story clenched. I’ve read a number of books by some very successful authors, where the end left me flat, and completely unsatisfied. I HAD to nail the ending of “In Memory of Greed.” In the mystery/thriller genre, the story must build to a stunning crescendo, or you haven’t done your job, as an author. The moment I came up with the finale, I was able to breathe a sigh of relief.
 
AJ: Paint me a picture of Al Boudreau the day after you launched “In Memory of Greed”. Business as usual? Nervous? Elated? What was going through your mind?
 
AB: I remember feeling a tremendous sense of relief. Now, as I look back on that time, I realize just how naive I was. Who knew that writing, revising, and editing was the easy part? Networking, promoting, and the whole process of utilizing social media, while fun, takes a tremendous amount of time and energy. I find that small, daily inputs work well for me, allowing progress while taking time to really enjoy the ride. For me, it’s about the journey more than the destination.
 
AJ: I think I hear them coming. One last question for you, a fun one. The table is set, the invitation is sent and accepted, you’ve been able to invite one author, living or dead, to dinner to talk writerly talk–whom did you invite and why?
 
AB: I would be sitting on a barstool in Key West next to Earnest Hemingway, if given the opportunity to chat with a particular writer. His work is so appealing to me that I could pick his brain for hours, taking detailed notes all the while, of course. And we’d certainly be getting some drinking done in the process, ’cause that’s how Ernie and I roll.
 
*rests her head against the wall with a sigh* I hear boots. It’s OK, I’m ready to go. I’ll say hi to Hemingway for you.  *looks over her shoulder at the hallway* He doesn’t know shit, Percy, let him go. He made it all up, he’s a storyteller. It was a big coincidence, that’s all. *shrugs sadly at the writer* Was worth a shot, right? Be sure to look me up on the other side, Boudreau …
 
 
 
 
 (author’s note: Neither AJ Aalto nor her dear friend Al Boudreau were injured and/or snuffed in the making of this interview. They did, however, have quite a bit of fun. His marvelous book “In Memory of Greed” can be bought here http://amzn.com/B004L2LJ94 and you can visit his website here http://alboudreau.wordpress.com AJ would like to thank Al for his gracious acceptance of my request for an evil author interview and his tolerance of my rampant silliness and flights of mania. Thanks so much, Al. You’re a doll!)
 

Sex and the Horror Writer

May 22

Remember all those times you thought something was missing from a story, and you realized that something was sex, then the author surprised you and threw some in, but it turned out to be really really bad? Like “I want to plant my baby-seeds in your hose-soaked lady garden” bad? No? Apparently, you and I are not reading the same books. *checks the title* Sorry … Landscaping For Dummies.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good sex scene in a novel—if it makes sense for the characters to be doin’ it, and if it’s very well written. I’m gonna say that again. Listen for it closely:

 If it makes sense for the characters to be doin’ it.

And if it’s very well written.

 And. Not or.

Very. Not sorta. Not kinda.

Sex is a funny thing. Not  funny ha-ha, but funny strange … unless you’re unfortunate enough to be doin’ it with me; sex with yours truly could pass for an episode of the Stooges, complete with head-bonking and eye-poking.

<Ah, I see you’ve chosen to bed AJ. Good luck with alllll that>

 I will admit, arousal can crop up at odd times. Like when you’re waiting for an oil change, for example, and the guy in the waiting area beside you smells wholly fantastic, and you sneak a peek at his hands—those big, strong, powerful hands that could probably reduce a woman to a quivering pile of helplessness in under ten seconds—and you wonder what they’d feel like if you just inched your fingers over and … *ahem* For example. That never happened. I never get my oil changed. Though it’s sounding like maybe I should, cuz while that may not be the most ideal situation in which to become aroused, at least it makes  sense.                                                                                                    

On the other hand, if you’re on a runaway barge going 89 mph down some white water rapids, ducking behind a battered suitcase, which is your only protection against the bullets zinging past your head, almost certainly getting laid is not your primary focus. If it is, relax: you’re probably a guy. No woman in this situation would even remember she has a vagina, save to fleetingly wonder if she could hide in it (No? Just me, then? Righty-O). Which is why a straight sex scene in the midst of battle/attack or the inevitable “everyone’s dyin’ all around us, but let’s pause for some bowchickawowow” in the horror novel/movie is, in my opinion, not realistic . The exception to that is: if you’re under attack and you’re holed-up safely in a bunker. Then, bring it on! Oh hell yes, bunker sex is a go!

When the time is right for two characters, the decision comes down to: how much do I show? How far do I take this?

Do I begin it, and do the tasteful fade to black? Do I shut the door? Sure, that’s a perfectly fair option, and a lot of the time, the story doesn’t require further detail. Sometimes, knowing they bonded in an intimate fashion was the point, and having been implied, that’s enough. It can be done classy. Yeah, that’s right … I’m a classy, classy bitch, I could do sophisticated if I wanted to (probably?).

The alternative to the fade-to-black is an interesting menu of options. Do I go full-out? Wellll, maybe … if you’re careful not to sound like a crack whore slapping her fanny at a slow-trollin’ car at the corner of Geneva St. and Welland Ave at 4 o’clock in the morning (Johns and/or arresting officers in the St. Catharines area looking for action: you. are. welcome). I prefer reading a little sex, as opposed to a hint and then the classic literary door-slam. But that’s just me. I’m nosy: I like to know everything about a character. I happen to be of the opinion that sex is a fascinating window into people’s personalities; you can learn an enormous amount from how a person reacts under the duress of an unexpected seduction, or in the pursuit of their desires, or in mutual mad monkey-lust. And I have said this before: you’re putting a fully-rounded person on the page when you write a character, and every person–from sex addict to coldest fish–has some sort of sexual personality traits. Even the complete lack of sexuality is, in itself, a sexuality trait.

Say you’re like me (caution: one should never say that). Say you think it’s important to include an actual sex scene in your novel, during which you will actually show something. Writing sex is not for the faint of heart: it’s for the brave, and the foolhardy perhaps, or for those with little or no shame (guess which one I am? Wrong–I’m all three). So, how do you write good sex?

First of all, you have some. Honey, you ain’t writing no convincing sex if all you’ve got on a Friday night is aFleshlight and a tube of Super Lube (side note: I’m not making that up, there’s a fake vagina in a can called a Fleshlight. It’s hilarious–but I’m not linking it). Grab a partner and do some hands-on research.  If you don’t have a partner, go to your local Starbucks, order the most pretentious beverage on the menu, add random uber-specific boosts and shots and powders, then ask the irritated barista if you can make it up to him/her by practicing tantric sex moves with them … no, it willwork: just ask that blond barista with the goatee at the mall–ooooh, I’ve said too much. OK, maybe propositioning strange coffee shop employees isn’t your thing, for whatever reason *rolls her eyes grandly at your prudishness* though I can’t for the life of me imagine why not. What are some alternatives?

Well, you read some. Other writers have mastered the art of writing sex. Better yet, some write it poorly; it’s out there to read, and you should, if only to get a feeling for what not to do. You want to read a whole lot of it, to see what sounds right to you and what makes you laugh so hard that tears pour down your cheeks (for example, you don’t ever wanna write that he “filled every crevice” because that makes the average reader go, “EVERY crevice? REALLY? Wait, d’ya mean …*scratching forehead* between her toes, too? Behind her ears? Is a nose a “crevice”? Dude, that’s a lot of man-spackle”). Go ahead, pull up yer superhero Underoos, sally forth and infiltrate your local book store, and buy some erotica. Research, my valiant friend, is not going to kill you. The politely-controlled “I’m pretending not to notice you’re buying paper porn, nor am I looking you in the face” stare of the book store cashier isn’t going to kill you either, though depending upon your personality, it may feel like a part of you is dying.

Some of you are saying, “but AJ, I can get erotica online. Easily. And for free.” Yes, I reply tersely, but then you will have denied me the opportunity of causing you personal discomfort. Hello? Have we met?

“Also,” you tell me, rather cheekily, “I don’t need to read. My sex life is research enough. It’s spice-ay.”  That’s wonderful, I congratulate. But it can always be improved-upon, no matter how spice-ay it may be (and btw you sound like a lying dillhole when you say it like that, cuz if it were truly spicy, you’d be too exhausted from multiple orgasms to stretch the word to spice-ay… in point of fact, you’d clip the word. It’d be spi–zzzzzzzzz.)

Experiment, read, think about what’s logical for both the male character and the female character (or if a gay scene, what makes sense for whom), consider the personalities that you’ve already laid-out (ha! I said laid) . Push a few boundaries but cautiously, or you’ll end up making your readers spit their tea–and no, that’s not a coy euphemism. Test things out! When you’re reading erotica and a certain word tickles your hoo-hah unexpectedly–and it will–jot it down.  Make a list of what turned you on, and what didn’t. Think about that list from one of your character’s perspectives. Now, apply a cool damp wash cloth to the back of your neck, breathe deeply, and do it again. And again. Again. More … more! More! Oh God, baby soon ohyespleasepleasePLEASEDON’TSTOP–*gasp* sorry.  What were we talking about? It couldn’t possibly have been … it was? Shit, what was I thinking? Well, I blame you; that’ll work nicely for me.

Mimic reality, then make it one notch better: that’s your job, after all, whether you’re a horror writer or any other kind or writer, and whether or not you write a sex scene. And before you rush out in the name of research and buy a Drilldo (I’m not making that up either, there is a product called the Drilldo, and it’s exactly what you think it is) you should probably note that your sex life does not necessarily suck if it in no way resembles something you’ve read in erotica, seen in porn, or in the Saw movie franchise, or that strange amalgamation: Porn Saw.

I hope I made that up just now.  

I very much hope Porn Saw’s not a thing.

This is me refusing to Google it to find out.

Please, oh please, do not tell me what you find if you do.

(editor’s note: AJ Aalto does write sex scenes in her novels; if she didn’t, there would be NO excuse for the MASSIVELY RIDICULOUS amount of time she spends staring off into space fantasizing various unlikely scenarios, up to and including her post-apocalyptic duty to trade her hoarded SPF900 sunscreen supply for orgasms with the hunky-yet-tragically-shirtless male survivors, and the sci-fi variation: AJ waiting for her transport home from the Farload Quadrant on Space Station Delta V-69, stuck with a platoon of  horny space cowboys with a whoooole lotta time on their hands. Wait–is a group of space cowboys a “platoon” or a “pride” or a “troop” or … WHAT? I might need to know!) 

 

The Stylish Blogger Awards

May 14

Hollywood-grade Klieg lights threw their carbon arcs into the sky … y’know, in my imagination.

When first I heard I’d won a Stylish Blogger Award, I thought: about fuckin’ time! No, wait … you didn’t hear that. That was my ego, a slippery little gremlin who (in 1998 on a sweltering night in late July–with the candle stick in the conservatory) murdered my shoulder-Angel & -Devil. My ego now squats by my right ear, combing his prissy little goatee, murmuring honeyed, sycophantic commentary and uttering the most lascivious–OW! I call him Cedric. *swats at the right side of her head* Cedric nibbles my earlobes, and bites when I sass him.

                               

                        <My ego, “Cedric”, AKA Mephistopheles>

I was nominated for this lovely award by an equally lovely Canadian writer, Jack Flacco, to whom I am very thankful.


The rules associated with accepting the Stylish Blogger Award (just backspaced over Booger Award, which is something else entirely) are simple: sacrifice a goat to Belphegor, Great Demon Lord of Vanity and Sloth, and then–no? Oh. “Cedric” informs me this is the Old Way; in thanks for his swaying the judges, I can just offer up some 150 yr old whiskey, half a dozen chicken livers and a transient. Good news, cuz goats are expensive these days, and hard to slip past the neighbours. Waaaaait a minute …. *tries to give her shoulder passenger the hairy eyeball*

The Rules are actually as follows:

1. Thank and link to the blogger who nominated you.

2. Share 7 random facts about yourself.

3. Pass the award onto 5 new-found blogging buddies.

4. Contact the winners and congratulate them.

So, here are 7 things you never needed to know about AJ Aalto and will wish you hadn’t learned (wondering now if Mr. Flacco didn’t just nominate yours truly so he could dig up some dirt. But that may be “Cedric” talking again.)

1. I may write murder mysteries and horror novels, kinky paranormal thrillers full of detailed forensic goop (clinical term, verrrrrry scientific) and slice-n-dice monstery goodness … but I am, in person, about as deadly as an empty pillowcase. No, for realzies!

2. While I enjoy snuggin’ into dark, enclosed places (the opposite of claustrophobia … claustrophilia?) and have been known to sleep in a closet or under my bed, I do not (as of yet) own a coffin. I know, right? What’s up with that?  

<AJ’s future bed, minus the lady with the hammer and nails>

3. I got trapped in a Zellers department store once by clowns. And if that’s not the perfect synopsis for a horror story, I don’t know what is. See, as I approached the store, I hadn’t noticed 5 clowns in full make-up collecting for charity. When I glanced up and saw them,  my terrified brain kersploded into a mushy grey soup (a thick stew, more of a cassoulet cérébral) without telling my legs to stop pumping. So I continued past them into Zellers, promptly forgetting a) why I was there in the first place and b)how to do that thing, y’know, where you suck air into your lungs to sustain life? I wandered those aisles, lightheaded, my frantic heart clobbering my ribs, for a solid hour … before realizing the store had another exit. I’m cool like that.

4. My two favourite sounds are thunder http://bit.ly/m9TdmM  and a male lion’s territorial roar http://bit.ly/ljNnWS.   Guess my idea of heaven is the cat cages at the zoo during a storm. The sound I think is pretty much the worst ever in nature? This red fox call in the dark http://bit.ly/jrTD47 

5. When the sun goes down, I live by candle light. Candles in the kitchen, on the bathroom sink, in my bedroom. If the power went out, I might not notice … unless of course I was watching Firefly reruns. Then I’d be all “Mal, what the frak?” I’m a gal who needs her Fillion-Fix.

6. Every day I spoil myself terribly–(who can pamper you better than you, I ask?) I spend every cent, devour every passion, heed every urge, attend every temptation. I rarely deny myself anything, and aim to wallow in pleasure. (What’s that chortling–Cedric, hush, I can’t hear myself think with your sulphuric stink-breath wafting in my face) I am a dyed-in-the-wool hedonist, and 110% unapologetic about it. Want a Cheesecake-Ice-Cream-With-Skor-Bits cone at Marble Slab? Then why the fuck would you not have one?? You want it. That means: GET IT. GET IT NOW. GO NOW. No one’s gonna get it for you. Vault past the old lady, give the punk in the white leather jacket a flying-elbow to his pock-marked forehead, put the guy at the front of the line in a headlock, and scream at the startled ice cream scooper GIVE ME THE LARGE, MOTHERFUCKERRRR. (side note: it’s a medical mystery that I don’t weigh 897 pounds. Also: I should probably not be allowed out in public without a chaperone)

7. I have a degree in biology (no guff!) and enjoy manipulating science to explain how magic, monsters, demons, ghosties, zombies,  and other things that go boo-snarl-gnash could plausibly exist. Then I toss that science directly in the face of my main character, Marnie Baranuik, a “preternatural-biologist-slash-psychic-detective”. My favourite writing pastimes include: naming carrion insects, inventing scourge plagues, unnatural world building, and word-weaving a perfectly rotten description.

And at last, the best part:

 5 Nominations for Great Blog Reads and winners of the Stylish Blogger Award are as follows (Cedric, please! Pretty sure eardrums are not made for drum rolls *sigh*):

1. Al Boudraeu: supportive friend, brilliant man and author of the intensely paced thriller In Memory of Greed. Check his blog here:  http://alboudreau.wordpress.com/

2. Steve Umstead: whose novel Gabriel’s Redemption made me wish I could write sci-fi.  http://steveumstead.com/ If I ever do manage the genre, you’ll know “Mayor Steve” was the inspiration.

3. Everett Powers: tireless indie champion, and author of the Grant Starr thrillers, beginning with The Mighty T  http://everettpowers.blogspot.com/

4. Michael R. Hicks: an inordinately talented writer, author of the bestselling In Her Name series  http://authormichaelhicks.com/

5. Wendy Sparrow: whose light-hearted, goofy wit makes me LOL daily.  She’s a rare spirit, give her a look-see! http://ladybugsroar.blogspot.com/

 

 

(Author’s note: AJ Aalto is just plain silly. Anyone visiting this blog for serious matters is lost on Flapdoodle Trail, a dangerous downhill donkey path leading to the vast Valley of Ineptitude. Go back while you can and consider yourself warned.)

 

 

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