{"id":202,"date":"2011-05-06T19:24:24","date_gmt":"2011-05-07T00:24:24","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/?p=202"},"modified":"2011-05-11T12:34:59","modified_gmt":"2011-05-11T17:34:59","slug":"getting-rich-in-the-gibbet","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/?p=202","title":{"rendered":"Getting Rich in the Gibbet"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *Looks up from sharpening her pickle forks* \"\"<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

Oh hiya! Didn’t hear you creep in. Yes, I’m getting ready for company. \u00a0*gives her\u00a0shiny new gibbet\u00a0the full Vanna White treatment* <\/strong><\/p>\n

It’s quite thrilling, so pardon me if I’m all a’flutter!\u00a0Gosh, I\u00a0haven’t had a guest in my dungeon since … well, let’s keep the closet door closed on that skeleton, shall we? Next week<\/strong>, I’m doing my very first indie author interroga–erm, interview. *tosses towel over power tools and iron shackles* Yeah, “interview”.\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n

With\u00a0the kind of courage\u00a0that borders on folly,\u00a0\u00a0R. A. Evans (author of the chilling horror novel Asylum Lake) has agreed to share some of his secrets with me. And once he does, oh man,\u00a0I am <\/strong>totally<\/strong><\/em> gonna blab.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Before he arrives (read: before I throw a bag over his head, sucker-punch him in the kidneys and haul him into the back of my van) I’d like to clear up some vicious rumours about him … ones I may or may not have started in the first place.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0\"\"<\/a> <\/strong><\/p>\n

First of all, this is not him —–><\/strong><\/p>\n

He’s got an admittedly\u00a0fiendish mind, <\/strong><\/p>\n

but\u00a0Mr. Evans is\u00a0not in fact a ghoul. <\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

<–He’s this guy!\u00a0 Hold on …. *holds finger to headphone, listens with dissatisfied sigh* OK, I’ve been informed that\u00a0this\u00a0isn’t him either. <\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><——\u00a0 He’s this guy!<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong><\/p>\n

But he <\/strong>sounds <\/strong><\/em>like this guy\u00a0 —><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

and when you get him in the dark, in front of a mirror,\u00a0 and\u00a0whisper his name three times backwards, I swear you can see his soul.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \"\"<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<R. A. Evans’ soul, probably><\/strong><\/p>\n

Secondly, Mr. Evans assures me he’s never killed anyone, for realizies.<\/em> And while I was relieved to hear it, I don’t actually buy that, do you? Nah, you’re right: this guy’s definitiely got bones in his crawlspace.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Thirdly, Mr. Evans\u00a0does\u00a0not do his writing while wearing\u00a0a fursuit with a dickhole.\u00a0That furry thing in his\u00a0attic is a <\/strong>blow up doll<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0stuffed into\u00a0a fur suit. He doesn’t <\/strong>wear<\/strong><\/em> it. See?\u00a0Nothing to worry about. Just\u00a0your regular, average\u00a0… hmm …\u00a0nope,\u00a0on second thought, that might bear watching.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0Fourth(ly?)\u00a0 It has been suggested that Mr. Evans is undead. This is completely and utterly false. He is entirely <\/strong>dead,<\/strong><\/em> and I know this, because: I’ve NEVER felt a pulse on him, I’ve NEVER seen him breathe–not once!–and if that’s not enough, just look at him. Go ahead, scroll up … notice anything?\u00a0He’s fucking black & white<\/em><\/strong>, people. It’s almost as though\u00a0he completely defies the notion of colour.\u00a0I rest my case.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0Last but certainly not least, rumour has it that he’s\u00a0a degenerate pervert who’s been known to haunt mortuaries and mausoleums in the quietest hours of the night, seeking to satisfy the most depraved and baleful sexual urges, and worse … things you don’t want to know about, things best not spoken of in the oh-so-polite society of the Interwebz. I started this rumour myself (<\/strong>just now, in fact! Wheeee!<\/strong><\/em>) because it sure is a fun one, isn’t it? <\/strong><\/p>\n

But the truth is: he’s a charming gentleman, devoted father\u00a0of three,\u00a0uxorious husband to a wife he adores, \u00a0and he only throttles hookers on the very <\/strong>rarest <\/strong><\/em>of occasions. I know, that’s a relief, right? *whew*<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0I think everything is almost ready for him at my end. *adjusts the angle of the video camera* It won’t be a lengthy visit *sighs at\u00a0grim stains on the cement* … visits to my dungeon rarely last long. But it sure will be a thrill. For\u00a0one of us, anyway.\u00a0 Heh. *selects pickle fork and tests the sharpness of prongs against fingertip, drawing a pinprick of blood* <\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0I\u00a0sure hope that Mr. Evans\u00a0is ready for me …<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

(author’s note: In reality, Rich Evans is not a pervert, a ghoul, a dead man, a serial killer, a nice guy\u00a0or a necrophiliac. Wait!\u00a0I’m sorry, I’m mistaken … he IS\u00a0a pervert. Duh.)\u00a0\"\"<\/a><\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 *Looks up from sharpening her pickle forks* Oh hiya! Didn’t hear you creep in. Yes, I’m getting ready for company. \u00a0*gives her\u00a0shiny new gibbet\u00a0the full Vanna White treatment* It’s quite thrilling, so pardon me if I’m all a’flutter!\u00a0Gosh, I\u00a0haven’t had a guest in my dungeon since … well, let’s keep the closet door closed […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[39,3],"tags":[20,38,37],"class_list":["post-202","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-indie-interviews","category-writing","tag-horror","tag-indie","tag-interview"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/202"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=202"}],"version-history":[{"count":48,"href":"https:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/202\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":356,"href":"https:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/202\/revisions\/356"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=202"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=202"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=202"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}