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Monthly Archives: July 2011

Touched … (Will Grope You Soon, Like it Or Not)

My cover artist, the amazing Dustin Ashe, has been seriously injured and is all busted up and broken and stuff. I know, right? The poor cuddle-umpkins!! By the sounds of it, he has accidentally mastered the unenviable yoga pose “Human Pretzel” (also see: “Big-big Owies” and “OMGFORTHELOVEOFCHRISTHELPME“) <Yup, I believe that’s the one….> Dustin is fantastic in every possible way–wait, that sounds like I know about his private bits, lemme rephrase–Dustin is probably fantastic in every way, but I sure would have no …

Posted in Opinions | 3 Comments

Things I Didn’t Do

A couple of these might sound like something I could have done (if you’re a bunch of suspicious narrow-minded creeps, which–if you’re reading my shit–must be true) but I didn’t. No, for realsies! 1. I DID NOT suck all the pimentos out of the olives. And spit the olives back in the jar. And hide the jar in the back of the fridge. Clearly, my house is haunted by a poltergeist who digs pimento. That could so happen. There’s probably already …

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Cadavertinis and Sweet Confessions

Me: I have a confession to make. Dentist: You’ve been eating sour Skittles again. Breathe slowly, count backward from ten. Me: Ten. Yes. Nine. I can’t help myself. Eight. I’m on a diet. Seven. Dentist: Good. Nice, deep breaths. Me: But I’m weak, doc, I’m weak and wayward. Six. I’m incorrigible, and disobedient and recalcitrant. Five. That’s a great word, recalcitrant. Four. Also: I can’t resist temptation! Four and a half. So I compromised and only ate one Skittle a day. Three. …

Posted in Opinions | 6 Comments
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