{"id":975,"date":"2011-07-15T22:22:12","date_gmt":"2011-07-16T03:22:12","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/?p=975"},"modified":"2012-01-19T16:12:36","modified_gmt":"2012-01-19T21:12:36","slug":"things-i-didnt-do","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/?p=975","title":{"rendered":"Things I Didn’t Do"},"content":{"rendered":"

A couple of these might sound like something\u00a0I could have done (if you’re a bunch of suspicious narrow-minded creeps, which–if you’re reading my shit–must be true)<\/em> but I didn’t. No, for realsies!<\/strong><\/p>\n

1. I DID NOT <\/span>suck all the pimentos out of the olives. And spit the olives back in the jar. And hide the jar in the back of the fridge. Clearly, my house is haunted by a poltergeist who digs pimento. That could so<\/em> happen. There’s probably already a shitty movie on Netflix about it. Pimento-Sucking Poltergeists Part Two: The Return to AJ’s Fridge. OooOOoo. No?<\/strong><\/p>\n

2. I DID NOT<\/span> open my knees juuuuust<\/em> enough so that my thigh innocently snuggled-up against the thigh of\u00a0a soul-crushingly hot\u00a0man on the subway. It was an accident! I was just … gettin’ breezy. Like I always do when I find myself in the vicinity of a man built like Conan the Barbarian. Besides, my\u00a0poor wee hoohah was suffocating and frankly,\u00a0a thong is like a garrote some days, and we\u00a0simply cannot allow\u00a0coochie\u00a0asphyxiation on the subway,\u00a0can we? That sounds like it’s gotta be written in the TTC safety books someplace. \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

<\/strong>\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

<when this guy’s on the subway, everyone’s<\/em> knees fall open a little><\/strong><\/p>\n

3. I DID NOT<\/span> throw out (instead of washing) a $20 Starbucks\u00a0travel mug because\u00a0it had rolled under the car seat and grown greenish-black film inside.\u00a0That would be environmentally backwards,\u00a0considering I bought that mug to save all those paper cups from the …wait, aren’t those recyclable? Doesn’t a plastic travel mug made in a factory in China then shipped overseas make a bigger carbon footprint than my keeping the paper cups flowing, promoting reforestation and creating jobs in recycling plants? You’re WELCOME, green activists!!<\/strong><\/p>\n

4. I DID NOT<\/span> jokingly (yet sultrily<\/em>)\u00a0proposition a well-hung police horse. In front of\u00a0a cop. I was actually propositioning (sultrily<\/em>) the cop, but when he gave me the stink-eye, I pretended I was just talkin’ to the horse. Smooth, right? Is bestiality really a crime, cuz I’m totally fighting this ticket …. sultrily (my new word–I’ve decided you love it, just roll with it<\/em>).<\/strong><\/p>\n

5. I DID NOT<\/span> drive around for a week with a garden gnome buckled into the passenger seat of my car. OK, I did. Hey, buckled-in<\/em>. Safety before sanity in “safe, sane and consenting” …\u00a0though I will admit, the gnome did not consent. But before you cry “GNOME-RAPIST!” let me assure you: there was very little fondling involved (note: there may have been incidental rubbing when I unbuckled him, but after that I put all my clothes back on<\/em>).<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/strong><\/a>(editor’s note: AJ Aalto does not use dissociative language like “make it dead” and “cause\u00a0him to become anal probed” unless she’s under the influence of severe environmental guilt, mystical pimentos or\u00a0having her muff murdered\u00a0by a black lace thong<\/em>.)<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A couple of these might sound like something\u00a0I could have done (if you’re a bunch of suspicious narrow-minded creeps, which–if you’re reading my shit–must be true) but I didn’t. No, for realsies! 1. I DID NOT suck all the pimentos out of the olives. And spit the olives back in the jar. And hide the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-975","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-opinions"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/975"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=975"}],"version-history":[{"count":22,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/975\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1585,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/975\/revisions\/1585"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=975"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=975"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=975"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}