{"id":574,"date":"2011-05-22T13:15:06","date_gmt":"2011-05-22T18:15:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/?p=574"},"modified":"2011-05-22T13:15:49","modified_gmt":"2011-05-22T18:15:49","slug":"sex-and-the-horror-writer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/?p=574","title":{"rendered":"Sex and the Horror Writer"},"content":{"rendered":"

Remember all those times you thought something was missing from a story, and you realized that something was sex, then the author surprised you and threw some in, but it turned out to be really really<\/em> bad? Like \u201cI want to plant my baby-seeds in your hose-soaked lady garden\u201d bad? No? Apparently, you and I are not reading the same books. *checks the title* Sorry … Landscaping For Dummies.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t get me wrong, I love a good sex scene in a novel\u2014if it makes sense for the characters to be doin\u2019 it, and if it\u2019s very well written. I\u2019m gonna say that again. Listen for it closely:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0If it makes sense for the characters to be doin\u2019 it. <\/strong><\/p>\n

And if it\u2019s very well written.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0And. Not or<\/em>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Very. Not sorta<\/em>. Not kinda<\/em>.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sex is a funny thing. Not \u00a0funny ha-ha, but funny strange …\u00a0unless you\u2019re unfortunate enough to be doin’ it with me; sex with yours truly\u00a0could pass for\u00a0an episode of the Stooges, complete with\u00a0head-bonking and eye-poking. <\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

<Ah, I see you’ve chosen to bed AJ. Good luck with alllll that><\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/em>I will admit, arousal <\/span>can crop up at odd times. Like when you\u2019re waiting for an oil change, for example, and the guy in the waiting area beside you smells wholly fantastic, and you sneak a peek at his hands\u2014those big, strong, powerful hands that could probably reduce a woman to a quivering pile of helplessness in under ten seconds\u2014and you wonder what they\u2019d feel like if you just\u00a0inched your fingers<\/strong> over and \u2026 *ahem* For example. That never happened. I never get my oil changed. Though it\u2019s sounding like maybe I should,\u00a0cuz while that may not be the most ideal situation in which to become aroused, at least it makes\u00a0 sense.<\/strong>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

On the other hand, if you\u2019re on a runaway barge going 89 mph down some white water rapids, ducking behind a battered suitcase, which is your only protection against the bullets zinging past your head, almost certainly getting laid is not your primary focus. If it is, relax:\u00a0you\u2019re probably a guy. No woman<\/em> in this situation would<\/strong> even remember she has a vagina,\u00a0save to\u00a0fleetingly wonder if she could hide in it (No? Just me, then? Righty-O).<\/em>\u00a0Which is why a straight sex scene in the midst of battle\/attack or\u00a0the\u00a0inevitable “everyone’s dyin’ all around us, but\u00a0let’s pause for some bowchickawowow” in the\u00a0horror\u00a0novel\/movie\u00a0is, in my opinion, not realistic . The exception to that is: if you\u2019re under attack and you\u2019re holed-up safely in a bunker. <\/em>Then, bring it on! Oh hell yes, bunker sex is<\/strong> a go!<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

When the time is<\/em> right for two characters, the decision comes down to: how much do I show? How far do I take this?<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/strong><\/a>Do I begin it, and do the tasteful fade to black? Do I shut the door? Sure, that\u2019s a perfectly fair option, and a lot of the time, the story doesn\u2019t require further detail. Sometimes, knowing they bonded in an intimate fashion was the point, and having been implied, that\u2019s enough. It can be done classy. Yeah, that’s right … I’m a classy, classy bitch, I\u00a0could do\u00a0sophisticated if I wanted to (probably?).<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

The alternative to the fade-to-black\u00a0is an interesting menu of options. Do I go full-out? Wellll, maybe \u2026 if you\u2019re careful not to sound like a crack whore slapping her fanny at a slow-trollin\u2019 car at the corner of Geneva St. and Welland Ave at 4 o’clock in the morning (Johns and\/or arresting officers in the St. Catharines area looking for action: you. are. welcome).<\/em> I prefer reading a little sex, as opposed to a hint and then the classic literary door-slam. But that’s just me. I’m nosy: I like to know everything about a character.\u00a0I happen to be of the opinion that sex is a fascinating window into people’s personalities; you can learn an enormous amount\u00a0from how a person reacts under the duress of an unexpected seduction, or in the pursuit of their desires,\u00a0or in mutual mad monkey-lust. And I have said this before: you’re putting a fully-rounded\u00a0person<\/em> on the page when you write a character, and every person–from sex addict to coldest fish–has some sort of sexual personality traits. Even the complete lack of sexuality is, in itself, a sexuality trait.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Say you’re like me (caution: one should never say that). <\/em>Say\u00a0you\u00a0think it’s important to include an actual sex scene in your novel, during which you will actually show something<\/em>. Writing sex is not for the faint of heart: it’s for the brave, and the foolhardy perhaps,\u00a0or for those with little or no shame (guess which one I am? Wrong–I’m all three).<\/em> So, how do you write good sex?<\/strong><\/p>\n

First of all, you have some. Honey, you ain\u2019t writing no convincing sex if all you\u2019ve got on a Friday night is a\"\"<\/a>Fleshlight and a tube of Super Lube (side note: I\u2019m not making that up, there\u2019s a fake vagina in a can called a Fleshlight. It\u2019s hilarious–but I’m not linking it<\/em>). Grab a partner and do some hands-on research.\u00a0 If you don’t have a partner, go to your local Starbucks, order the most pretentious beverage on the menu, add random uber-specific boosts and shots and powders, then ask the irritated barista if you can make it up to him\/her by\u00a0practicing tantric sex moves\u00a0with them\u00a0… no, it will<\/em>work:\u00a0just ask\u00a0that blond barista with the goatee at the mall–ooooh, I’ve said too much. OK, maybe propositioning strange coffee shop employees isn’t your<\/em> thing, for whatever reason *rolls her eyes grandly at your prudishness* though I can’t for the life of me imagine why not. What are some alternatives?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Well, you read some. Other writers have mastered the art of writing sex. Better yet, some\u00a0write it poorly; it’s out there to read, and you should, if only to get a feeling for what not<\/em> to do. You\u00a0want to read a whole lot of it, to see what sounds right to you and what makes you laugh so hard that tears pour down your cheeks (for example, you don\u2019t ever wanna write that he \u201cfilled every crevice\u201d because that makes the average reader go, \u201cEVERY crevice? REALLY? Wait, d\u2019ya mean \u2026*scratching forehead* between her toes, too? Behind her ears? Is a nose a \u201ccrevice\u201d? Dude, that\u2019s a lot of man-spackle”<\/em>). Go ahead, pull up yer superhero Underoos, sally forth and infiltrate your local book store, and buy some erotica. Research, my valiant friend, is\u00a0not going to kill you. The politely-controlled \u201cI\u2019m pretending not to notice you\u2019re buying paper porn, nor am I looking you in the face\u201d stare of the book store cashier isn\u2019t going to kill you either, though depending upon your personality, it may feel like a part of you is dying.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Some of you are saying, \u201cbut AJ, I can get erotica online. Easily. And for free.\u201d Yes, I reply tersely, but then you<\/em> will have denied me<\/em> the opportunity of causing you<\/em> personal discomfort. Hello? Have we met?<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

\u201cAlso,\u201d you tell me, rather cheekily, \u201cI don’t need to read. My sex life is research enough. It\u2019s spice-ay.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s wonderful, I congratulate. But it can always be improved-upon, no matter how spice-ay it may be (and btw you sound like\u00a0a lying dillhole\u00a0when you say\u00a0it like that, cuz if it were truly spicy, you\u2019d be too exhausted from multiple orgasms to stretch the word to spice-ay\u2026 in point of fact, you\u2019d clip the word. It\u2019d be spi–zzzzzzzzz.<\/em>)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Experiment, read, think about what\u2019s logical for both the male character and the female character (or if a gay scene, what makes sense for whom), consider the personalities that you’ve already laid-out (ha! I said laid<\/em>) . Push a few boundaries but cautiously, or you\u2019ll end up making your readers spit their tea–and no, that’s not a coy euphemism. Test things out! When you’re reading erotica and a certain word tickles your\u00a0hoo-hah unexpectedly–and it will–jot it down.\u00a0 Make a list of what turned you on, and what didn’t. Think about that list from one of your character’s perspectives.\u00a0Now, apply a cool damp wash cloth to the back of your neck, breathe deeply,\u00a0and do it again. And again. Again. More … more! More! Oh God, baby\u00a0soon ohyespleasepleasePLEASEDON’TSTOP<\/em>–*gasp* sorry.\u00a0 What were we talking about? It couldn’t possibly have been … it was? Shit, what was I thinking? Well, I blame you; that’ll work nicely for me.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Mimic reality, then make it one notch better: that’s your job, after all, whether you’re a horror writer or any other kind or writer, and whether or not you write a sex scene. And before you rush out in the name of research and buy a Drilldo (I\u2019m not making that up either, there is a product called the Drilldo, and it\u2019s exactly what you think it is) <\/em>you should<\/strong> probably note that\u00a0your\u00a0sex life does not necessarily suck if it in no way resembles something you\u2019ve read in erotica, seen in porn, or in the Saw movie franchise, or that strange amalgamation: Porn Saw.<\/strong><\/p>\n

I hope I made that up just now. \u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

I very much hope\u00a0Porn Saw’s\u00a0not a thing<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

This is me\u00a0refusing to Google it to find out.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Please, oh please,\u00a0do not tell me what you find\u00a0if you do.<\/strong><\/p>\n

(editor’s note: AJ Aalto does write sex scenes in her novels; if she didn’t, there would be\u00a0NO excuse for the<\/em>\u00a0MASSIVELY RIDICULOUS amount of time she spends staring off into space fantasizing various unlikely scenarios, up to and including her post-apocalyptic duty to trade\u00a0her hoarded SPF900 sunscreen supply for orgasms with the hunky-yet-tragically-shirtless male survivors, and the sci-fi variation: AJ\u00a0waiting for\u00a0her\u00a0transport home from\u00a0the<\/em> Farload Quadrant on\u00a0Space Station Delta V-69, stuck\u00a0with a\u00a0platoon of \u00a0horny space cowboys\u00a0with a whoooole lotta time on their hands. Wait–is a group of space cowboys a “platoon” or a “pride” or a “troop” or … WHAT? I might need to know!)\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Remember all those times you thought something was missing from a story, and you realized that something was sex, then the author surprised you and threw some in, but it turned out to be really really bad? Like \u201cI want to plant my baby-seeds in your hose-soaked lady garden\u201d bad? No? Apparently, you and I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1,3],"tags":[14,45,46,4],"class_list":["post-574","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-opinions","category-writing","tag-humour","tag-sex","tag-the-stooges","tag-writing-2"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/574"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=574"}],"version-history":[{"count":40,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/574\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":618,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/574\/revisions\/618"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=574"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=574"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=574"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}