{"id":37,"date":"2011-02-25T16:39:32","date_gmt":"2011-02-25T16:39:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/?p=37"},"modified":"2011-03-19T20:20:18","modified_gmt":"2011-03-19T20:20:18","slug":"i-prefer-to-call-it-artistic-temperment-cough","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/?p=37","title":{"rendered":"I Prefer to Call it “Artistic Temperment” *cough*"},"content":{"rendered":"
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I’m Not Crazy, Part One<\/strong><\/p>\n

This morning,\u00a0I was\u00a0collecting the haphazardly strewn laundry from my tiny bathroom after a whirlwind of family members\u00a0finished their daily prep. On the rack behind the door, I noticed the tie my husband wore\u00a0two nights ago still laying there, now\u00a0intertwined with one of my bras. I made to grab them when I realized: the bra smelled like my perfume, and the tie smelled like his cologne.<\/p>\n

It smelled like our last date. It smelled like us<\/em>.<\/p>\n

I heard the clomping at the front door indicating the three of them were shuffling off to school and work in their heavy snow boots, and\u00a0thought: I haven’t hugged him goodbye<\/em> lanced by a self-punishing: dear God what if\u00a0he dies in a fiery crash and the last thing I said to him was “can’t you pick up after yourself for one morning? Hunh? Can’t you?!”<\/em><\/p>\n

I barreled out of the bathroom and caught my husband halfway out the door, crashing into his back with my (admittedly wimpy) bear hug.<\/p>\n

Him: Um, ouch?<\/p>\n

Me: I love how our stuff smells together.<\/p>\n

He half-turned as best he could, winding one massive arm in the air and tucking me under that armpit.<\/p>\n

Him:\u00a0It concerns me that you came out of the bathroom to tell me this …<\/p>\n

Me: Eeeuw! I mean our\u00a0colognes, our deodorants, our shampoos and soaps! Our scents. We make a nice\u00a0blend together.\u00a0(tearfully) Makes me wanna keep you with me all day, so we can we be all, you know … in perfume harmony.<\/p>\n

Him:\u00a0On a completely unrelated topic, did you take your meds today?<\/p>\n

Me: I’m not crazy, I just love you.<\/p>\n

Him\u00a0(with full-on sleazy grin): Babe. Did you enjoy me while I was sleeping? Again?<\/p>\n

Me\u00a0(snarling up a foot and a half at him): I’m trying to love you, stop ruining it by talking!<\/em><\/p>\n

Him: I told you\u00a0the last time:\u00a0wake me up before you do that.<\/p>\n

Me: Be quiet before I\u00a0crack your thick skull, Cro-Mag!<\/p>\n

Him:\u00a0Stand back boys,\u00a0she’s all mine.<\/p>\n

Me: \u00a0Stay home today. Skip work. Just stay home and snuggle me.<\/p>\n

Him: Are you trying to climb me? What’s going on down there?<\/p>\n

Me: Hug me, jerk!<\/p>\n

Him:\u00a0This is pretty bold for the front porch.<\/p>\n

Me: More hugging, less talking!<\/p>\n

Him: (hugging tighter) Maybe an extra pill today wouldn’t hurt … You know, just one?<\/p>\n

Me: (wrestling out of his hold) Ok, stop smothering me, Manimal! Get a hold of yourself.<\/p>\n

Him: Grrrr … (growly-voiced) Give me paper clip and me fix you!<\/p>\n

Me: What the– that was some MacGyver caveman thing, I don’t even know\u00a0what that was!<\/p>\n

Him: But it was hot, right?<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0\u00a0Well yeah, but that’s beside the point. Get off me!<\/p>\n

Him:\u00a0Need\u00a0more hug!<\/p>\n

Me: GAWD, don’t you have a job to go to? Learn to let go. (closing the front door)<\/p>\n

My husband’s thick finger landed on the glass, pointing hard, his big hairy eyebrow arching pseudo-menacingly.<\/p>\n

Him: Ug. MacGyver caveman come back. MacGyver caveman get crazy wife later.<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0(mouthing through the glass)\u00a0 So\u00a0clingy. Jeeez.\u00a0<\/p>\n

No, But I’m Really Not<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Two hours later\u00a0I got\u00a0busted doing my Tiny Tim impersonation while shovelling snow. Probably I should never do that out loud.\u00a0Also:\u00a0there might have been prancing.\u00a0\u00a0In my defense,\u00a0all my neighbours should have been at work, and\u00a0everyone knows\u00a0it’s\u00a0perfectly acceptable to be ridiculous if no one’s looking.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Me:\u00a0Tiptoe …\u00a0through the window\u00a0… by the window … that is where I’ll be, And tiptoe … through the tulips … with me (pause, wait for it) Ohhhhhh–agh!!<\/p>\n

Teenager next door: Need me to do that? Sounds like you hurt yourself.<\/p>\n

So I’m just going to stay in for the rest of the day and rewrite the events of my day. I did not<\/em> maul my poor husband and humiliate myself in front of a smirking 18 yr old twerp (who was only out for a cig and a scratch as far as I could tell, as he shovelled not.) No, no. Today, as my alter ego,\u00a0I dignosed an undead plague and battled\u00a0a zombie dentist in a fursuit.\u00a0He was a chimp. I kicked ass, and it was epic … even if I was trilling Tiptoe Through the Tulips while I did it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I’m trying to love you, stop ruining it by talking!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[5,6,7,4],"class_list":["post-37","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-opinions","tag-life","tag-love","tag-lunacy","tag-writing-2"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=37"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":50,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/37\/revisions\/50"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=37"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=37"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=37"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}