Dear kitten: I see that you’re auditioning for the part of First Farm Cat, but if you’re going to bring me a mouse, you could at least finish killing it. This is the second one in as many days. No, I truly appreciate the sentiment; you think I’m a big, dumb, hairless cat who doesn’t know how to hunt, so you’re taking care of me. But if you want to take care of me, drag me home a Snickers bar or an Egg McMuffin or a world class chef. Is that so hard a concept? People food, or people to make me people food. I don’t need a broken, twitching mouse trying to belly-crawl under my desk like a wounded solider on the beach in Saving Private Ryan. I didn’t even have socks on. It flapped at my toe.<\/p>\n
And now, I must put a rodent out of its clear & obvious misery. That was not on my To Do list. I can’t leave it twitching, but I can’t bear to watch while I finish your job.
\nSincerely, the grossed-out lady with the hammer and paper towel at 5:30 am.
\nPs. Where the hell are its other two legs? If you buried them in the couch cushions or something, we’re going to have words, mommy to furface.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dear kitten: I see that you’re auditioning for the part of First Farm Cat, but if you’re going to bring me a mouse, you could at least finish killing it. This is the second one in as many days. No, I truly appreciate the sentiment; you think I’m a big, dumb, hairless cat who doesn’t […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3233","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-opinions"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3233"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3233"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3233\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3234,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3233\/revisions\/3234"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3233"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3233"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3233"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}