![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/images\/530628_327125720730718_1716487627_n-212x300.jpg\" "\\"530628_327125720730718_1716487627_n\\"")
<\/a><meep!><\/em><\/p>\n…for about a week and a half, waiting for feedback. The editor’s feedback was (and continues to be) a constant barrage of ego-knocking queries and general knuckle rapping. (Boy, it’s a good thing I spelled that with two p’s.) The publisher, who is a big fan of the first book in the Marnie Baranuik series<\/a>, had a few easily-juggled suggestions, but one major problem with the second book:<\/p>\n NEEDS MORE SEX.<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n Besides, I said, I know exactly where to stick it. Wait. I meant, I know where to put the–oh, nevermind, you knew what I meant.<\/p>\n So, I flipped open my trusty laptop, skimmed through the manuscript to find the perfect spot (not there, nope, just a little bit lowerrrrrrr–THERE! *ahem*) and, cracking my knuckles as all serious writerly types are wont to do, I settled my fingers on the keyboard, took a deep, cleansing breath, and…<\/p>\n Hrrmmm. *frown* Okay, nothing happened. I read again the scene as it unfolded sans<\/em> hubba-hubba-dick-smack. Wait, what?! That’s the worst\u00a0euphemism\u00a0for sex I’ve ever heard. Probably, you should never smack a dick unless you’re sure that’s what he’s into. Please do not quote me on that, though. Some Aaltos have incredible architecture to their credit; I don’t want THIS Aalto to have a quote about\u00a0dick-smacking\u00a0follow me to the grave and beyond.<\/p>\n Where was I? Right,\u00a0dick-smacking. NO!<\/em> Sex scenes. It\u00a0occurred\u00a0to me that if I came up with a list of sexy words, words that generally pop off the page and make your tingly bits throb (like tingle and throb, for example, or stroke, lick, and tease…), then I’d have a running start at this scene. I made some tea, poured it down the sink, dumped two cups of Fireball whiskey in my mug, and attempted some brainstorming. The whiskey, in retrospect, might be to blame for the resulting unfortunate phone call.<\/p>\n Me: Hey, um, what’s a sexier word for chubby?<\/p>\n Heather: Hello to you, too. Jeee-zus.<\/p>\n Me: Not fat. I mean chubby as in ye olde blue-veined gobstuffer.<\/p>\n Heather: Are you high? What are you talking about?<\/p>\n Me: Cock.<\/p>\n Heather: *chokes on her Dr. Pepper* Woman, I’m in class, here. I can’t discuss… *lowers her voice* I can’t discuss Wee Willy Winkie.<\/p>\n Me: Nope, that’s too polite. Also, no self-respecting woman leans in close to her lover and asks for his Wee Willy Winkie. Not if she doesn’t wanna get cuffed upside the head.<\/p>\n Heather: Can’t we text this?<\/p>\n Me: No.<\/p>\n Heather: Why the hell not?<\/p>\n Me: Tell me which of these words makes you wet…<\/p>\n Heather: I need new friends.<\/p>\n Me: Prick, dick, tube-steak,\u00a0wiener, meat-whistle, one-eyed trouser snake, crack-hunter–boy, these are all terrible–skin flute, todger, bahookie…<\/p>\n Heather: Stop saying words, now.<\/p>\n Me: What’s the problem? Dong, schlong, beard-splitter, snatch-tickler…<\/p>\n Heather: Snatch-tickler?!<\/p>\n Me: Problem?<\/p>\n Heather: Uh, YEAH, I just yelled “snatch-tickler” and now everyone’s staring at me.<\/p>\n Me: What about Captain Hornington?<\/p>\n Heather: That’s not a thing. Or if it is, it shouldn’t be.<\/p>\n Me: Not sexy? Hmm…Bald-headed bandit, woody, pecker…<\/p>\n Heather: I’m begging you.<\/p>\n Me: Oh, see, I got you begging. Am I turning you on? Root, boner, stiffy, love-muscle…Oh wait! Fucknozzle!<\/p>\n Heather: Gee, Al, I’d love just one day where you don’t yell fucknozzle in my ear.<\/p>\n Me: Fine, let’s skip penis for now. Let’s move on to other body parts.<\/p>\n Heather: Might as well, you just made me say “fucknozzle” in class.<\/p>\n Me: Fuzzburger is probably not hot, right? But what about squishmitten?<\/p>\n Heather: Oh, God.<\/p>\n Me: And cooch is certainly not working for me…<\/p>\n Heather: I’m thirsty. Is it safe for me to take a sip, or are you still talking?<\/p>\n Me: OH! OH!<\/p>\n Heather: *alarmed* Whatever it is, just no.<\/p>\n Me: I think I’ve got a great sentence for this scene.<\/p>\n Heather: I’m willing to bet when you sober up you’ll delete it.<\/p>\n Me: He slid his throbbing lance into her cock-locker.<\/p>\n Heather: Noooooooo<\/em> he didn’t. Tell me you’re not typing that.<\/p>\n Me: You’re right, it should be dripping<\/em> cock-locker.<\/p>\n Heather: I HEAR KEY STROKES.<\/p>\n Me: Of course you do. If I add a dollop of glistening man-spackle\u00a0to that sentence, it’s GOLD.<\/p>\n Heather: It’s really not.<\/p>\n Me: Can you think of a better sentence?<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/images\/bestinbed000000011-211x300.jpg\" "\\"bestinbed00000001\\"")
<\/a>Nooooo problem, said I, with a twinkle in my eye. Sex, I can do. Sex, I can EASILY add. After all, I’m the Writerghoulie, your genial purveyor of filth, smut, and chocolate-covered\u00a0nip-slips. (Just kidding! I prefer honey.)<\/p>\n
![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/images\/120_6300490275_3098_n.jpg\" "\\"120_6300490275_3098_n\\"")
<\/a>(Editor’s note: AJ would like to thank her chief Beta Reader for reminding her that the words are less important than the images they invoke. Sometimes I forget that. Forest for trees, or something like that. This week is sex scene week, which is why I’m horizontal. Looks like Harry Dreppenstedt and I will be spending a lot of time together. Humina humina hell yes!)\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n