{"id":2292,"date":"2012-12-20T12:03:22","date_gmt":"2012-12-20T17:03:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/?p=2292"},"modified":"2012-12-20T12:03:22","modified_gmt":"2012-12-20T17:03:22","slug":"top-5-super-for-realsies-reasons-i-cannot-leave-the-house-today","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/?p=2292","title":{"rendered":"Top 5 Super For-Realsies Reasons I Cannot Leave The House Today"},"content":{"rendered":"

#5<\/strong>. I’m pretty sure–nope, scratch that, I’m positive<\/em>–that the apocalypse has begun<\/strong>. I haven’t heard what form the apocalypse has taken (meteors, aliens, Satan, zombies, pandemic flu, robots, clowns, Satanic flu-ridden robot zombie clowns from outer space) but the fact remains that if I go outside, there’s a real possibility that I’ll be swarmed by Something. Also: it’s possible The Something will be sneezing. Today, I just can’t take that chance.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><according to Marvel, the apocalypse will involve heavily armoured men, and fireproof women in tiny scraps of clothing.><\/em><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

4. The sun.<\/strong> It burns! It burns! It–what? *squints, blinks rapidly* Oh, hey, look. I’m not so much on fire as I am, uh, un-burning. But I’m out of sunblock, and even though it’s winter now, you know …UV rays and such … still there! Still beaming down on me. I’m a pasty-faced Nordic girl, I’ve got almost no ability to withstand the sun’s abuse. I better stay in.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

<Wouldja get a load of that? That’s called “filament eruption”. “Eruption” is never good–*rethinks* okay, only ever good in one situation><\/em><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

#3. My dog told me not to.<\/strong> I’m sorry, did you hear my dog say something different? Is my dog giving you advice to the contrary? If my dog is telling you<\/em> to go outside, maybe you<\/em> ought to be concerned that you’re<\/em> accepting guidance from someone else’s<\/em> pet and not from your own, hunh? Yeah, something to think about, there.<\/p>\n

2. My wedding vows<\/strong>. \u00a0Now, I can’t remember the whole ceremony, but there is a slim possibility I might’ve made those vows with a straight face (though I distinctly remember crossing my fingers under my bouquet). I think there may have been something tricksy in there about, I dunno, not treating mankind like an all-nude, all-you-can-eat buffet? Well, hey, if I go outside, there’s NO WAY I can be certain I’m not gonna hump somethin’: men, women, particularly attractive lawn\u00a0furniture… I mean, how am I supposed to foretell whether or not I’ll be sexed-up at any given moment? Am I PSYCHIC? Am I wearing magic Sex-Be-Gone pants? Are far as I know, those aren’t even a thing, and if they are, they’re probably not flattering at all.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

<What bullshittery is Steven Tyler rockin’? I do believe it’s Sex-Be-Gone pants!><\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

But the top of the Top 5 list, the most important, very best<\/em> reason as to why I simply cannot go outside today is:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

#1. The caffeine is on the INSIDE.<\/strong> Until I install an out-of-doors Caffeine Machine (if that isn’t already a brand of tea\/coffee\/espresso brewer, it should be), my beloved beverage is inside, a grand total of *pauses typing, places laptop on the coffee table, paces to kettle, counting* nine (9) steps away from me. “But, AJ,” you say, perhaps lamenting my blockheadedness, “you can carry said beverages out into the winter wonderland with you.” …To that, I say poo. Yes, that’ s my grand argument: poo. Because I never promised to be right, logical, or mature. Life’s too short to drink cold tea. You can quote me on that, loves.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>(editor’s note: Today, AJ Aalto is super-lazy, which is like regular-lazy only she’s wearing a cape made from a terrycloth towel and a clothespin.)<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

#5. I’m pretty sure–nope, scratch that, I’m positive–that the apocalypse has begun. I haven’t heard what form the apocalypse has taken (meteors, aliens, Satan, zombies, pandemic flu, robots, clowns, Satanic flu-ridden robot zombie clowns from outer space) but the fact remains that if I go outside, there’s a real possibility that I’ll be swarmed by […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2292","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-opinions"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2292"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2292"}],"version-history":[{"count":20,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2292\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2319,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2292\/revisions\/2319"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2292"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2292"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2292"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}