{"id":132,"date":"2011-05-04T13:44:09","date_gmt":"2011-05-04T18:44:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/?p=132"},"modified":"2011-05-04T13:44:09","modified_gmt":"2011-05-04T18:44:09","slug":"calling-all-creeps","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/?p=132","title":{"rendered":"Calling All Creeps"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Weirdass<\/a>It’s almost\u00a0spring; Finally,\u00a0forest season–don’t get me started about the forest in a Canadian winter–and so begins\u00a0a series\u00a0of long walks through the woods at the cottage or at Short Hills Provincial Park, swatting bloodsuckers (mosquitoes, not vampires<\/em>) and going off the path to investigate strange sounds or furtive movement in the boscage and undergrowth\u00a0(see also: the adventures of getting back on the path after thigh-high plunges into fetid muddy ditches<\/em>). I’m fearless in the forest (read: stupid) and I’ll check out anything,\u00a0 adopting that wary half-crouch half-slink of a B-movie actor slated as “Victim 3,\u00a0Ditz In Woods”. If I’m hiking alone, I\u00a0like to run full-out in short bursts as if something or someone\u00a0is in pursuit with cold intent …\u00a0but as I’ve clearly stated before, I’m not normal. Sadly, nothing ever IS chasing me, except that one bloodsucker who just won’t quit (vampire, not mosquito<\/em>).<\/p>\n

There’s a lot of room for what-if<\/strong> in a forest. Shade and shadows hip-hop, shimmy and rock behind the trees\u00a0like they’re auditioning for Dancing With the Stars.\u00a0Gusting winds\u00a0thrust\u00a0limbs against one another, holding\u00a0them overhead in submissive bondage.\u00a0A dischordant click-squeal<\/em> to your left, and pretty soon your imagination is flooding with possibilities. Especially if you walk at nightfall … what horror writer doesn’t do this? What self-respecting horror writer passes up the opportunity to think what the hell made that noise??<\/em> So much to see, hear and fear. (See: weirdass white fungus in picture above–alien lifeform? I vote yes!) A good forest is pregnant with what-ifs that may or may not lead to oh-shit<\/em>s.<\/p>\n

I wonder if writers are oversensitive to such things, if we pick up\u00a0cues and blips and snatches of sensory input that normal people overlook? Do we go looking for the unseen? Are we all prone to hypersensuality? And if so, is that a blessing or a liability?<\/p>\n

A handy alternative to the forest, for this little writer, is the long, familiar\u00a0stretch of the Welland Canal between Lake Erie and Lake Ontario; now that it’s\u00a0spring,\u00a0I don’t have to keep the car running to stay warm. I’ve known this area my whole life. If I was a nutcase, (“if”, heh heh<\/em>)\u00a0this would be my hunting ground. \"Writing<\/a>Hrm. Probably I should backspace over that; with my luck they’ll turn up mutilated\u00a0bodies\u00a0in the\u00a0canal’s sullen murk\u00a0and my name will\u00a0get slapped on\u00a0a suspect list. Hell, why pass up an opportunity to get tackled by cops? *drool, pant*<\/p>\n

\u00a0This is my spot<\/strong> by the canal. It’s an ideal place to write (if by “ideal”,\u00a0one means “risky” and “slightly moronic”<\/em>). I type merrily away, waiting (hoping, let’s not bullshit, here<\/em>) for a figure to slink past my rearview mirror, or the\u00a0creeping\u00a0shuffle-crunch<\/em> of a carefully-placed\u00a0boot on the gravel just beyond my blind spot. Anticipation of fear is nearly as sensual a ride as the fear itself. Any minute now, something\u00a0eldritch and feral,\u00a0something lazily letcherous, something slithering between human and other will give my poor heart a reason to buck into a hammering joyride … annnnny<\/em> minute now. No?<\/p>\n

*crickets* Pffft. Psychos and monsters: always popping out of the friggin’ barn when you least expect them, but when you really need one, where are they? Right, down\u00a0at the damn carnival licking clown sweat off the seltzer nozzles. Don’t they know I’m impatient for some shuddersome company?<\/p>\n

Until the mud clears off the backwoods jogging paths, and the dangers of the canal\u00a0crank up, I suppose\u00a0I shall have to satisfy my need for inspiration by hanging out here in the back yard under your window. That new lamp looks great, by the way. No, no … no\u00a0need to turn it on.<\/p>\n

I can see you just fine in the dark.<\/p>\n

(editor’s note: AJ Aalto is an unrepentant liar, a devourer of raw cookie dough and human hearts, \u00a0a creator of falsehoods, and a creepy\u00a0ratfuck. She’s only pretending not to actually stalk you, and might be planning on eating that leftover meatloaf in your fridge, though she’s heartily disappointed in your no-name condiments.\u00a0AJ Aalto has\u00a0booked her next haircut to coincide with yours; she’ll be the one smiling behind her Vogue Paris. When you’re ready to go, she’ll be in the parking lot. If she can take you, she will.)<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It’s almost\u00a0spring; Finally,\u00a0forest season–don’t get me started about the forest in a Canadian winter–and so begins\u00a0a series\u00a0of long walks through the woods at the cottage or at Short Hills Provincial Park, swatting bloodsuckers (mosquitoes, not vampires) and going off the path to investigate strange sounds or furtive movement in the boscage and undergrowth\u00a0(see also: the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-132","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-opinions"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/132"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=132"}],"version-history":[{"count":31,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/132\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3205,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/132\/revisions\/3205"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=132"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=132"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.ajaalto.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=132"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}