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Hiking the Horror Best Seller List

This morning, my friend Dax pointed out that Touched is #7 on Amazon’s horror best seller list. WOOT! “Feel pride” was not first on my To Do list today … “be an irksome twat” was. I feel so unprepared. After I regained consciousness, I couldn’t help but wonder what my main characters would say to their author about this climb.

Marnie: Apparently, people love dingbats, dick jokes and general assholery. Who knew?

Batten:  My faith in humanity just took a major ass-reaming.

Marnie: We earned a cookie, right? Huck it over thisaway.

Harry: How preposterous, my philomel. I daresay your doggerybaw is enough to drive one perfectly mad.

Chapel: Excellent work, Allison, but let’s focus on the case at hand. *taps folder* You wrote three missing people, and it’s unsolved, so when you’re ready to stop crowing and get back to work ….

Marnie: Don’t jizz a brick, dude, Al’s busy feeling rad.

Batten: You never shut up.

Wes: Don’t let the ray of sunlight and epic angel trumpeting distract you from your fucking work, eh? Jesus.

Danika: DIE, you corpse-fluffing bitch, DIEEEEEEE!

I’ve joined the big ole Amazon KDP thingy; if you’re an indie author, you know what I mean, and if you’re not, probably you don’t give a squat. For the sake of transparency, I’m going to update this blog with naked pictures of my nipples (no, I’m not). Even more horrifyingly, I’ll update the blog with my sales numbers. The free promo started late Thursday night. So far, 1120 free copies of Touched have been downloaded. I’m not sure how many of those will be read, but I’m hopeful. The free promo ends Saturday night at midnight PST, and Touched will return to it’s regular selling price on Amazon. To be continued …

(So, in the end, 1399 copies of Touched were dowloaded for free. In the ten days following, I have sold more copies on Amazon than in the entire months of February and January combined. Conclusion: success! I am quite pleased.)

Technically, I was on the best seller list before, but hovering around #326,890 doesn’t inspire much pride. Now that I’m in the Top Ten, I’d love to say it’s about to get classy up in this joint, but we all know that’s a pile of asspatties. Let’s pretend I’m pouring my muse right back into writing and working hard on Death Rejoices like a good little writerghoulie. Truth be told, I’ll probably dump half a gallon of cherry brandy in my herbal tea and play video games for the rest of the day, and blame the snow, a “headache”, or bone-tickling bliss for my lack of wordcount. Either that, or I’ll spend six hours on Cafe Press making myself a t-shirt that says “I’m #SEVEN, BITCHES!” that only I’ll understand, and then not actually order one, because I’m still a brokeass Sentence Strangler.

Hmmm. Sentence Strangler. Maybe I’ll put that on the t-shirt I have no intention of buying.

(editor’s note: Fair warning:AJ “Avalanche of Awesomesauce” Aalto is going to be (even more) impossible to live with (than she usually is) if Touched climbs the list any further.  Don’t worry, this won’t alarm the Viking Sasquatch she lives with. Nothing does. He’s clinically unsurprisable, ever since that time he caught me folding a brownie around another brownie and trying  to force my mouth around it…)

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One Response to Hiking the Horror Best Seller List

  1. Honey Bear says:

    Woo Hoo! Bring on the naked pictures of Allies’ nipples. It’s been far too long…

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